A New Chapter In My Life

bummed about work

2011-11-03T20:34:00.002-07:00

Many thoughts of stepping down in my career. Just don't want to manage anymore. Two responsibilities have been yanked due to the new "store structural system" - SSS - aka super shitty situation. I suppose if I have less responsibility yet still get paid the same, that's a good thing, but that's not what I signed up for 5 years ago.

In the event this did the happen (though I'm too chicken shit to follow through with it), I would have to find a solid, stable, SANE roommate to pay rent so I can pay my mortgage. I could create my own schedule, work less hours, and just be happy. I have so many big fish to fry, and this one has been cooking for awhile...

Plus I feel like my boss is disappointed with me because I heard he wanted to give me produce...again...for the 5th time. If I'm unhappy with something I don't sugarcoat it, and I did tell him that if he wanted me to do it I would, but that I've also written the order in 5 different stores now and it's just not challenging for me anymore. I don't think it would help me develop as a leader, giving me something that I'm bored with. Why not give me fresh? I'm passionate about that order and I know 90% of the products because I buy my lunch there EVERYDAY! Pretty sure I blew that opportunity when I disregarded the produce order. Whatever, I'll do it.

Maybe I should just numb myself - smile through the pain and the suffering. Certainly there are worse things in life. I guess maybe I haven't shown or proven that I'm worthy. We'll see how my midreview chat goes. Reviews usually jarr me into reality, at least for a short period of time.

My body hurts. Everyday I have back pain, and know my knee has been acting up big time (not work related, I chalk it up to wear and tear from running).

I think I'll start preparing myself. Gonna go post a wanted ad on Craigslist for a roommate...we'll see how many crazies I attract.

Cheers.

inspiration...athleticism...

2011-08-08T11:34:00.002-07:00

Although my actions this morning are the antithesis to my theme today---I was going to get up before 9am so I could go to the gym and take a bootcamp class. However, I know myself well, and I had to work til midnight last night and went to bed before 2am, and when I wake up I'm just tired and totally snooze it up for almost an hour. That happened today. But that's okay, I've got my coffee, catching up on my DVR, being relaxed until I have to do the whole work thing all over again tonight. I'm okay with this - at this very moment in my life right now I am at peace with myself. That doesn't mean that won't change in a few hours, haha, but at least for this moment, I can be happy.

I've decided to make a few small physical and mental health changes in my life. They were brought to my attention harshly after I invited my former friend (I say former regretfully) Wendy to be my date at the fulltime party. Apparently I had one too many glasses of champagne and acted a little silly, but she led me to believe that I have a problem with alcohol. I won't get into details as they are still fresh in my memory, but the result is that it put a huge dent in our friendship and now things seem to be on hold for awhile - she needs time for herself for her to heal from her spinal/shoulder work injuries and can't have any negative outside influences. I miss her very much, however, she told me in her last message that I need to find inside of me what makes me so unhappy. Not having her as my best friend does that, amongst a very little social life, body images, and general romantic relationship unhappiness.

So I'm trying to take her advice and keep the big one in mind - "Make happy memories." I want to tattoo that on my wrist. It's hard though somedays, but I also have to remember that Rome wasn't built in a day - gaining forgiveness and making these changes take time. Things happen for a reason and I have to remain patient.

So to break outside of my limited work world, I'm getting involved in Vavi sports. Social leagues. I planned on playing Kickball with Brent when we were together but we broke up a week before the league was to start, so I backed out last minute (and got my refund, thankfully). That didn't stop me though, I still wanted to play, so I found another Kickball league to join. Our team was terrible throughout the season, but I had so. much. fun that I got addicted. I'd play 3-4 nights a week if it were up to me! But instead, I signed up for another league the next season.

At my store's party, we had a picnic, and a volleyball game was set up - I played that game for nearly 4 hours. Again, I had so. much. fun playing it that I wanted to join a Vavi volleyball league. The downside to this is that Vavi does charge a fee to play in their leagues, so I went to the next option - find a meetup.com group that plays social volleyball for free. I found one that plays just about every Saturday morning. I finally went to one a couple weeks ago and had tons of fun again. I plan on going to that almost every week as well.

Once I find out if my days off change or not (won't be for another 6-8 weeks I imagine), I play one night kickball, and probably join a Vavi softball league. I'm not great at the game whatsoever (at least I assume, I haven't played since the 5th grade), and I could disclaim to my group that I'm not great and that I'm just here to have fun (and here for the beer, haha). I'm trying to rally people up from work and other stores I've worked at to join the leagues with me, but it's a work in progress. Just gotta keep hyping them up.

And then there's the drinking issue - I drink. A lot. Sometimes heavily. It doesn't scare me too much yet, because I'm not putting myself in predicaments where I lose control and rely on a total stranger to get me home, or become promiscuous in the company of strangers. I'm done with that part of my life. No, I drink at home. Go through a bottle of wine, easily, or a few vodka soda cocktails. I do it because it let's me unwind, it makes me feel good, I'm bored, etc. I really want to cut out a lot of this. I told Sara at work that during the workweek I'm not going to drink - that way I don't go into work hungover, and maybe I can drop a little weight because I'm not drinking nearly as much. I told her the only day I would drink would be during Kickball games on Thursday nights. That didn't go as planned last week - on top of Thursday I had plenty a cocktail on Friday and Saturday night as well. But at least instead of drinking 6-7 nights a week, it was only 4. So that is an improvement. And I had 2 glasses wine last night because I didn't want the red to go bad. So tonight, Tuesday, and Wednesday, no drink. I'm okay with this. I know I have the strength to do it. My argument is that I don't want to come off or sound like I have a problem. Because I don't. (Even though some people say denial is the first sign - probably, but I KNOW I don't. So shut up.)

Also kind of cleansed last week, and it helped me a bit. Going to cleanse again this week - tomorrow, Wednesday, and Thursday. Cranberry juice and watered down grapefruit juice. Eat only salads and edamame at night. If not at least Wednesday and Thursday.

So this week I feel positive - even though I didn't go to the gym this morning, I went yesterday (1), going to play volleyball with my Kickball teammate Kris in Mira Mesa (2), Kickball Thursday (3), and beach Volleyball Saturday (4). Somewhere in there I have to put a run in, hopefully Friday (5). Because I have that half marathon looming over my head that's happening in 2 weeks.

Sadly, that will be my last road race for awhile. I just don't have the passion for running anymore. I like to mix up my physical activities, hence with all the excitement I have for kickball, volleyball, and softball. Plus I have that awesome gym membership (with a great circuit training program) and will take advantage of the free personal training session I get once the race is over. Just gotta get through the race, then I can put full focus to these other athletic activities in my life. I totally don't expect myself to beat my 2 hr. 12 min. record like I got last year - my goal is to finish, hopefully in under 2 hour 20 min. but we'll see. Can't beat myself up over it because I didn't train, and like I said, just not into it anymore. Running and I are taking a break to explore other dating areas, so to speak, haha.

But yeah, never considered myself and athlete til now. Even though I'm breaking from running, I'm still a runner, and I still do it. I play kickball. I play volleyball. I'm going to play softball. And I go to the gym. My stomach and thighs aren't the greatest, but all atheletes come in different sizes. The point is I'm getting out there and playing and having a great time. It makes me happy. Making happy memories...

I really want that as a tattoo...

damn ex's in my dreams

2011-03-04T11:25:00.002-07:00

So about 430am (yes, MORNING) I got a friend request on Facebook from John Saulka.

I deleted him from my Facebook a few months ago because he wouldn't stop commenting on every single thing I posted. It's okay to chime in once in awhile, but to barrage my every update, photo, what have you, is too close for comfort for me and immediately gets awarded the Stage 5 Clinger/Creeper award.

So when I got home from work, I responded to his request with a "Not now." Then Facebook gives me the option to say that I don't know this guy and that I can block him from sending me any more requests. So yes, I did this. He needs to let go of me. I'm tired of having to deal with the emotional aftermath and let it filter into my current and future relationships.

Sooo....had a dream about him. Ugh. It's a bit blurry, but from what I recall I had decided to accept his friend request. We were in some kind of house in the desert of Arizona or New Mexico. And because I decided to let him back in, he'd get a little too close to me and challenge my friendship - yes, I want to be friends, no, I don't want romance from you - why can't it just remain platonic? We were traveling with extraneous friends/family, and he was getting psycho - he'd hold onto my arm with a death grip, and it was really scaring me. I had to yell at him to let me go and that we weren't together! I became hysterical and felt like I was fighting for my life, things were becoming violent. Finally someone pulled him off me and drug him away, and I begun to panic soon as he left - my friends were telling me to get in the car and that we had to leave as soon as possible so he wouldn't be able to follow us/track us down.

Sometimes people go too far beyond your comfort zone - you give them an inch and they take a mile. This is a classic case. Thought he could be mature enough to just have a friendship with me, but he's a special case and took those signals as, "Oh! She wants me back!" No, not at all. Then I thought if I just kept him at arms length (via Facebook) it might be okay. He even controls my Facebook. He needs to learn his lesson, which he probably never will, but at least he won't have control or any say in my life anymore. No more friendship, I don't want that poison in my life. Good riddance.

i am in control

2011-02-26T00:07:00.002-07:00

I am in control. I am in control. I am in control. I am in control. I am in control.

That has been my mantra to keep me from crying over this. And to my surprise, it's working. Thank you dear friend, for your lovely advice. I'm finally learning to listen to it.

I am the one with the power. I am the one in control. I wear the shoes on these feet. I am strong. Because in the end, I will end with heartache. But at least it won't be nearly as hard as the last few times.

I am in control. I am in control. I AM IN CONTROL.

this made me smile

2010-12-26T11:30:00.002-07:00

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink, I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver'."

~Jack Handy

...So happy 2 of the 3 winter holidays are done with (excluding Valentine's Day in this category). Just have to push through NYE. Accepting it more and more as it gets closer to the day that I a) Don't have a date. 2) Don't have plans (could have paid $60 or more for a party that Sara is going to but I would have been the 5th wheel regardless). c) There's a good chance it'll rain that night, freezing me in my minidress and frizzifying my hair. and 4) Not going out and risking getting a DUI because I had 2 drinks (although that's highly unlikely) and got pulled over and failed my field sobriety and breatalyzer tests.

New year, new attitude - try to battle this temporary depression. Check out Barry's Bootcamp and see if it's worth paying $100 for 5 classes. Possibly discover pole dancing fitness (same price as Barry's rates). Check out women friendly meetup.com groups because let's face it - I'm not hanging out with people from work anytime soon, I have few girlfriends locally (less than I can count on one hand), so this will hopefully encourage me to go out and make a new set of girlfriends. If I meet men, cool, but the whole point is to begin new relationships with women so I can have those special bonds that only exist between women on a friendship level.

imminent love fate

2010-12-18T21:48:00.003-07:00

I don't know why I even bother looking anymore. I'm 2 1/2 years out of a serious relationship with many short interests in between my last and today. And I've finally come to realize, after all the searching, and first dating, and trying hard, and compromising myself to make that great first impression....all the searching through online dating (Yahoo Personals, OKCupid, Match.com, Adult Friend Finder, PlentyofFish, and even Craigslist), I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I'm exhausted. I've been doing this for over two years and not ONE has been a success long term. There really is NO guy in San Diego that's a match for me. A little part of me wishes I'd realized this before I bought a house.

why men don't want to date me

2010-08-10T09:48:00.002-07:00

Might have taken me too long to realize this, but it's just the few extra pieces of the puzzle I'm able to attach to complete my "utopian" life.

So I have a crush on Kane. A small one, albeit, but enough that I would like to try and forge a relationship with him and see where it takes us. There are many factors stopping me from proposing the idea, and these factors pretty much guarantee me that he wouldn't be interested in having a relationship with me.

Now, I'm not positive on this, I'm just assuming things, but I assume that his friend Trent told him that we hooked up. And if so, wouldn't that lead Kane to plant the "Okay, we'll never be more than friends now that she's hooked up with mine" mentality?

I never really crushed on Trent but we did have a good time the couple times we all hung out and I was attracted to Trent on my factors - physically attractive, witty, own place in Encinitas right on the beach (okay, a block from it), good car, physically fit, well-established career and led a successful and accomplished life. It didn't even bother me that he is 14 years older than me. Acts just like someone my age, or maybe I act older than my age so we balance each other out.

Regardless, I got signals from Trent that maybe he was into me (see Trent's "Ladder Theory" - all men want to hook up with their female friends). So after a risque game of Truth or Dare between the three of us, Trent and I retired to his bedroom where we made-out and I gave him a blowjob. The next morning wasn't awkward but I let my feelings run away a bit and texted him the next day saying I was into him and was it a bad thing? Two days later, he texted back saying he wasn't good with relationships and that he'd prefer if we remained friends minus the making out part. Okay, strike one, hurt my ego a bit but whatever - onward and upward!

Not sure though how this pushes my feelings to liking Kane. I've always liked Kane as a friend - he's a super fun guy and we joke around and had fun playing leisure games and drinking. And it's not to say that liking Kane because he's the runner-up between the two. It's not to say because I was shot down by Trent that I'm going to move in on Kane territory. At first the idea was planted in my head that he was gay. Why did I believe David on that? Maybe because I was trying to fall in love with him and felt the need to be on the same side as him. Weeks later Brad asked me why I wouldn't want to be involved with Kane. I repeatedly told him that I only saw Kane as a friend and kept it at that. .....

Other factors - I don't act like a girl, certainly not one that provokes men to be attracted to me on a physical and emotional level. I burp out loud, drink like a fish, make "Your mom" and "That's what she said" crude jokes, and agree with a lot of male theories (aka Ladder Theory, etc.) hoping to be their "go to girl," the cool chick that everyone wants to hang out with. I certainly don't have a stick up my ass, but I could definitely work on acting more ladylike and less like a teenage boy.

When we did go out on his birthday, we both drank A LOT. He didn't remember much the next morning, but I remember most everything, especially when we were dancing at the Shore Club and I was definitely getting touchy feely - there's proof on Trent's iPhone (stupid technology). I definitely remember kissing him over and over again, can't be too sure if he was into it like I was or if he was just trying to get me off of him. Yeah, awkward. Regardless, no man wants a sloppy drunk to call his "girlfriend." I guess I felt my options were running out. So I got desperate.

I'm just gonna let things cool down for a week or so - focus on my run coming up, staying sober like I promised myself (at least for the week, because I have a long run coming up). Maybe I'll just wait long enough til Kane contacts me, if he ever does again, which I think and hope he will. And if he asks about my silence, I may just come clean. Who knows, maybe by that point I won't have these feelings of "love" and uncertainty by that time, and I'll feel silly for all my thoughts. Oh well, I'll take the distraction while I can....

2010-06-15T09:41:00.002-07:00

"You must make allowance for each others faults & forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgives you, so you must forgive others." - Colossians 3:13

In a nutshell I went ballastic last week on David. I'm crazy for him, so what did I expect?? I begged to see him but he had work, softball, and beers with friends, not promising me anything. I decided to drink my woes away (as usual) and got sad and dramatic and tearful.....you know the drill. So basically it was a couple days of choosing my words to convince him to forgive me. Long story short, I haven't seen him in over a week, and for possibly three reasons: he's avoiding seeing me again and stringing me along with empty words and false promises, he's still trying to decide whether he wants to see me or not by stringing me along with said words, or he seriously is seriously busy with work and and doesn't have a moment to breathe.

But it doesn't add up - certainly he was just as busy in the beginning of our courtship but made so much time to be with me, always texting me, etc. And now since the "Incident" it's come to a halt like a record scratch.

Maybe the answer is right there in front of my face, I just keep choosing to believe and hope that he will come around and FORGIVE ME, much like the Colossians quote above. Which also means I have to forgive him for his absence. I suppose I will, even if things don't work out. That's how God intends it to be, right?

jumping the gun?

2010-05-12T01:26:00.003-07:00

John, your song was "I Only Have Eyes For You" - over.

Dudley, your song was "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey - over.

Brian, your song was "In The Waiting Line" by Zero 7 - over.

And now, David, your song will be "1, 2, 3, 4" by the Plain White T's.

I'm fearing that I'm jumping the gun again. What else is new? I only know one speed - fast. Except this time I'm not going to physically move fast. I did my promiscuity deal and paid the price, fuck me to make someone else pay for my dirty deeds. I will get tested and get my results before I open that part of my world to him.

WOW. Could we really be a Craigslist success story?

First date was on Sunday - 9 hours long. Putt putt, arcade games, late lunch at BJ's Brewhouse, Suns basketball game, and Amazing Race finale. Best part? He texted me the minute I walked in the door, and we continued to talk that way til I went to bed. He is not a believer in the 3-day rule. The next day? We exchange emails after I get home. 56 emails to be exact.

Second date was tonight - watch him play softball with his Navy fleet, fish tacos at PB Bar and Grill, Deathproof movie. Took us awhile to find a parking spot in PB. Halfway walking to Fred's (original dining location), he gets my hand out of my coat pocket and holds it. He says he is a touchy-feely guy, physically and emotionally. Asks if I like to hold hands - ABSOLUTELY! Continues to hold my hand everywhere we walk. After PBB&G, we got for a short walk on the boardwalk and stop to watch the ocean swells and listen. We are holding each other, and I forget what we said, but then we kissed. And kissed and kissed. I got overwhelmed with happiness so I bury my smile into his chest. Sounds like it came out of a romance novel, but tis all a true story. He fixed my TV when we got back to my place (TV remote wasn't working, now I can use the PS3 again!). The whole movie we sit close, and eventually I end up in his arms after a potty break. He is getting tired, we both are, and I inquire, but he is happy to just be here. It is about 1 a.m. when he leaves, but before so, asks if he can see me tomorrow. :) He texts me when he gets home "...you are still amazing and I can't wait until tomorrow."

Is this really happening? Or am I dreaming?

At one point during the movie, I got a little sad feeling - this could be the last time I am single (for some time, anyway). But then I am happy that this person and I crossed paths at the right moment. And that he stood out and that even though at first the communication exchanges were random, he still persisted. That stuck out to me, therefore giving him a chance. I'm really glad I had a good feeling about meeting him the first time.

I was tired when he left almost an hour ago, yet I'm still awake. It's like I don't want this day to end, these feelings to settle.

Get your head outta the clouds. And get it on the pillow and shut your eyes. Tomorrow is a brand new day...

leave me alone!!!

2010-04-02T20:00:00.002-07:00

HE WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

I let John come out and visit. I felt bad that he lost his job and he said he needed some fresh air/ocean water to clear his thoughts, so I invited him out if he wanted to come out. Spent a few days here but got way to close and touchy for my comfort level. He kept saying "I love you" which really annoyed the fuck out of me - stop saying that! I don't care! Great, you do, but I REALLLLLYYYY don't want to hear it. And he looked at me for long periods of time - I know because I saw out of the corner of my eye, I just wanted to yell STOP LOOKING AT ME!

And now he won't leave me alone digitally. He's always commenting on my facebook, always sending Blackberry instant messages...I've had enough and I've been deleting all my status updates that he commented on. Then I finally said in an FB status the other day, "How do you kindly tell someone to step off?" He didn't comment on it but texted asking if that was in reference to him. I didn't respond, and I haven't been responding. 24 hours went by (a long time for him not bugging me) and he texted me today asking if I wanted to see Chelsea Handler here May 8 (which I already am) but he offered to pay for tickets. NO I DON'T WANT TO SEE HER WITH YOU!

LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE AND GO AWAY! STEP OFF!

I certainly don't want to apply to be on the Amazing Race with him. He will fucking distract me and annoy me so bad that we wouldn't get past the second round.

God dammit, I could spew more but I just needed to get a bunch of that off my chest. I'm going to continue to ignore him, hopefully he gets the idea. How does he think/believe that we're destined to be together, even so after I told him that there was NO CHANCE that we'd ever have an intimate relationship EVER AGAIN??

I could just strangle and jostle him, but even then, nothing will connect. All I can do is ignore and maybe, just maybe, he'll get the idea and step off.

good, but not good enough

2010-01-24T11:21:00.002-07:00

I had a nightmare about Brian last night.

I dreamed that I was moving into this great big house, and Melissa from my old store (La Jolla) was already living there, and she requested I call her Aunt Becky for whatever reason. I made sure to avoid her as much as possible. Then I learned that Brian and Justine were living there too. And even though I was going to get the master bedroom, there was a lock code on it to access it, which they both knew and I didn't, and the day I was moving in they locked me out. I demanded and yelled at Brian for the PIN but he wouldn't give it to me. Luckily Justine did after I asked her but she wouldn't make eye contact with me at all (134134 was the PIN if that's any sign). Justine went to school later on and Brian was going to work, but I asked him to meet me for coffee so we could talk. I was going to take every fiber of my moral to get him to come back and be with me. I kept begging for him to listen to me and he kept making a scene about how he wanted nothing to do with me. People at the surrounding tables in the coffee shop were getting wrapped up in our drama and eventually two guys stepped in to keep Brian from leaving, telling him that he needed to talk with me. I got pretty close to convincing him that if he came back to me, things would be different. I loved him so much and that I was so stupid for letting him go and letting things get to the way they had. He was about to cave when something snapped in him and he put his foot down and said, "NO." I lost. Again. (Dream similar to the Biggest Loser I watched last night where Jillian was trying to get Migdalia to not quit, to cry, to talk to her, and Migdalia wasn't budging and just left the campus.)

I hate it when dreams fuck me up. They enter my thoughts and try to convince me that I'm in denial about something.

It's been almost two years since we split up. I went through reading some old blogs and thoughts about how I felt about him early on in our relationship. How did I think I'd get away with dating him while working with him?

He cared so much for me. Was so thoughtful. And all I could focus on was making it in the workplace. I couldn't juggle having him and me sharing a serious relationship while trying to learn and develop in my new management role at work. Much less trying to get my feet wet again in a new and different running region. I tried to tell him it was important for me to focus on my job especially at my new store. I think he felt I was putting too much focus working there, trying to get the respect of my crew and management, balancing and delegating my duties. I wasn't giving him enough of my time. I brought work home but we never left it at work, always toting it around with us.

If I could do things differently...I would've listened more. I would have nagged less and been more patient. I would have been more supportive. I would drink less. I would let him fly solo and be confident that he'll come back to me - he did invite me out with his work friends, but I felt awkward being in management and mingling with people not at my level. I didn't want to get in trouble, like I almost did with him.

He was a good person. He might still be. I just hated coming back to work with him after our sour split and he had no respect or intention of dealing with me during our tenure at work. I was lucky he left five months after I got there, but that was the longest five months of my life. People at work now see that I'm much happier - honestly, it's because he's not there anymore, I don't have to watch every single move or be sad when he's around. On the outside I was mad and frustrated, on the inside I was screaming and depressed. It's hard watching your ex date someone else right in front of you. My heart got broken every single day for those five months, I'm not sure how it's still beating. Maybe that's one of the reason I'm so messed up with love lately.

Days like this I wish we were back together. Still together. I was a good woman for him, just not good enough.

I loved him. Maybe I still do.

2009-07-26T22:46:00.002-07:00

Mmm...what is it about my work people that makes us so damn attractive??

I am attracted to...3 men at my work, plus another guy, I can't think of who. I'll throw their names out - Devin (hottie half Jap-half white! Light on the eyes, not entirely stretched out, god damn it is gorgeous to look at), Cy (he's kinda sweaty but I love his toothy smile and he's got three kids but he's single but who cares, I still like him), and Regan (Brian, per say, and he's probably the oldest but doesn't look it).

I'm still kinda hung up on Devin...especially when I listen to the Yeah Yeah Yeah's, or Bouncing Souls, or even Ladytron. Even though Ladytron used to remind me of Dudley, it now reminds me of Devin.

Man, I want that Asian persuasion. I'm happy NO ONE from Trader Joes reads this! I'd be in big trouble...

feel good

2009-03-05T23:05:00.002-07:00

I am young.
I am successful.
I am on a good path with my career. A focused path, albeit.
I'm hot.
I'm smart.
I came out to San Diego with a boyfriend, and when he dumped me, I turned that pile of shit into a blooming rose. I didn't go running home back to Arizona and fail at life. I took that turd and turned it into a rose. I held my head up high and bought a house in San Diego. All while being single.
I am a strong, self-sufficient woman.
I am one of the most admirable people she knows.
And dammit to hell if a man goes and breaks my heart. AGAIN.
He'll eat his heart out when he realizes what kind of woman he scorned and will want her back. But she won't take him back. Sorry Charlie, you got your second AND THIRD chance.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Not gonna be fooled again. Not by him. Gotta give them other gents out there a chance!

I want a man...who is financially stable - someone who is self-sufficient enough to take care of themselves and have some left over. Someone who doesn't mind picking up the tab for us more than me picking up the tab for us. I'm big into tradition and chivalry. I also want a man who has a nice car - doesn't have to be brand spankin' new but is good on the upkeep and trades it in every few years for one that requires little assessment. If he still lives in an apartment, that's okay. Times are hard and not a lot of people can afford a house. However, if he does have a house - huzzah! It says he's into commitment.
I do NOT want a man that still lives with his parents (hard times are measurable and it depends on the severity of the situation). I do NOT want a man that let's me pay for a bulk of the excursions. I do NOT want a man that just comes over, watches Family Guy with me, and drinks wine with me. Granted, sometimes that's fine, but every "date?" I don't think so.

I will come up with a longer list later. An aching tummy bides my time...

lies, lies, lies

2009-01-28T21:13:00.002-07:00

I did one of the hardest things I'll ever end up doing in my life today. I lied to my parents.
I told them about my getting transferred to the PB store. I told them that there was probably a small problem having to do with the woman that's replacing me (lie) at La Jolla and I'm replacing her at PB, plus the company pulls these random switches all the time (truth). I also told them that since I was going to PB, the company gave Brian the option to go to any store so we wouldn't have a conflict of interest in PB (true). Now I just have to deal with working with his current girlfriend and Chachi, Sara's ex (true). I plan on being really really nice to both of them, and everyone, all the time, just to prove those two wrong about whatever horrible things Brian may have told them about me (true).
I just never told my parents the real reason I'm getting transferred. This lie I'm living with is wreaking havoc on my soul. I can't keep big secrets like this. I hate that I have done this too myself. It's like that Killers song, "...It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this? It was only a kiss..." I chose to keep going on with this charade, even after being asked twice by my bosses if anything was going on. And even then, in the past few weeks, I haven't been interested in him anymore! The sex doesn't get better, there are a few quips about him that become more and more annoying to me.
I had the chance to end it all last night and I totally didn't. I had some wine and he came over and we went to a pub and talked. Stupid me said, "Let's flush the plan and go for it!" I'm such an idiot. But at the same time I told him to not expect any kind of "solid" relationship from me in the next six months, minimum. We had a nice time chatting, and he ended up staying the night, but we did not have sex.
Then tonight Sara and I had dinner with my folks, where I couldn't tell them the truth. On the car ride home my lie was exponentially growing inside me and eatin away at my soul - I really felt like I was dying on the inside.
Then just now, as I was in the middle of typing all this, I called Beau and laid all my cards out. That was the second hardest thing I hope to ever do in my life. I told him that for right now, we can be friends and only friends, nothing more. I babbled on through my tears, how I hated lying to my parents and EVERYONE except him and Sara. I can't live with any lies. No matter what we felt, this is what it has to be right now. I can't take the chance anymore of jeopardizing my career, even though I'm removed from the situation and there's no proof we were together, I still feel that somehow it'll come back to get me and I could face possible demotion or termination. I have nothing else going for me except this job (financially-wise) and in our current economic stress, I can't chance it anymore.
Even if I were to come clean to my parents, it'll be very hard for me to accept their harsh judgment, especially my mother's. They'll tell me how I should have known better and they'll look down on me for even thinking I could have gotten away with it, and why would I chance harming my career. And I know that everything they'd say would be right. I just don't feel like hearing it because I already know.
I just have to tell myself that it's for the best, that I wasn't being fair to Beau by going on having him think I felt strong for him. I let it go on long enough and was finally able to be completely honest. Well, I'd been honest the entire time, but had to come to this point where it would be dangerous for both of us if I let it continue. He should have known too, and he did, but since I am higher on the corporate ladder I have to be the one to make the big decisions because they affect me on a larger scale than they do him.
Breaking up is hard to do. I think I'd rather be the one broken up with than the breaker-upper. Even though it hurts on both ends. I will feel better, and he will feel better, as the days go on and pass us. I just hope that he finds someone who will be able to be freely in love with him. I only wish him the best and throw my support into anything he desires to pursue.
I'm hoping because we were never able to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend, that we'll actually be able to be FRIENDS after all this, and still hang out and talk and stuff. Because I am still not friends with any of my serious ex's. But Beau isn't an "ex," so maybe it'll work out this time. Who knows. Things will hopefully work out for the best.

turned tables

2009-01-20T10:36:00.002-07:00

So now that I've actually realized that sustaining a relationship with Beau is impossible, at least, until one of us is out of the store, I've backed off a lot from him. We would just have to live with being friends. So I stopped texting as much and bugging him as much. I wanted him to come to me if he wanted to be with me.
So he asked why I was so quiet and short with him, etc. I guess my retractiveness came off as bitter or anger with him? Anyways, that cleared up, and now that I backed off so much it in turn made him MORE attracted to me.
He helped me move, and ended up spending the night like three nights in a row. That kinda annoyed me but I didn't want to say otherwise - I mean, I had stuff to do! Him hanging around makes Kim counterproductive.
So he sent me a text last night saying he missed me, and if he could take me out Friday or Saturday. I reminded him my folks were in town. Then he said we could go out at another time, which I simply agreed. I had been busy at work and didn't want to spend a bulk of my time whipping out my phone, so he accused me of not feeling the way he did, and if not, wanted me to tell him. I couldn't believe his attitude so I told him I was busy and at work, and that he needs to relax - we are chill and have a good time together. "I'm being dumb, I'm sorry. Lately I've felt a lot more than I used to for you and that's why I've been so whiny and lame. It isn't anything you've done." I wasn't able to text him back until after work, and asked why he was feeling so strongly. He replied this morning saying that the more time we spend together, the more his feelings grow. Yikes.
This is how I should walk into relationships from the beginning. Not be so absorbed and obsessed in the budding stages, but rather pace myself and let the men come to me. Because then maybe at this point I would feel the same.
.....

welcome to december

2008-12-09T02:02:00.002-07:00

Everytime I think of writing in here, I'm too exhausted to relay the events that have gone on in the past two weeks. ::sigh:: Maybe I can try.

..........

Ugh, maybe not. Maybe another night.

Side note: Beau and I are not seeing each other anymore, at least not for awhile. I was asked again at work if we were dating. Some people at the party he went to inquired about our status. So he wants to lay low. I think it's because I drive him nuts, but whatever. At the moment I'm too tired to care and it's easier to say that things are kosher, when really, they're not.
House: Went with a second lender, B of A, but need to put down 15% to get the conventional loan. Had to borrow another $5000 from my folks which I feel terrible about. Will know more info. when I talk with Lisa (the lender) tomorrow. I am forever in debt to my parents and eternally grateful. I was wondering when the money tree would lose it's last leaves...I think this is it :(

false hopes

2008-10-18T21:53:00.002-07:00

The start of my weekend went very well. Beau and I went to the PB Shore Club and had some beers. I made it a goal to get good and loaded, which I did. We then went to Miller's Field for one more beer when Beau told me he was falling in love with me. We both said we weren't dating anyone else. And if it weren't for work, we'd already be calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. I was a little shocked but pleased to hear what he told me, and I felt guilty on the inside that I couldn't tell him the same back. I can't feel the way I want to feel because we do work together and I must hinder my feelings for him so I don't give myself away at work. I want to fall for this person and be with him all the time, but I've gotten into a rhythm where I've accepted my feelings for him. Once one of us is out of that store and we still feel the way we feel for each other, I can let my feelings skyrocket. Until then, I have to keep the key that opens the lock on my heart. Although on Thursday, I may have given that key away to him.
He almost didn't come over last night. His ex Ashleigh was inviting everyone to go to North Park and that included him. He almost went. And now he's at Friday's with other TJ people and she's one of them! I feel threatened and insecure by this. I feel like she's trying to get him back. He says it won't happen but that's not reassuring. I wanted his company again tonight. Well, maybe not as much as other nights, I suppose I get sick of him once in awhile and that's okay. I just feel lousy. We had a bad night last night (he made me feel bad that I couldn't get off quicker when he went down on me and his car got towed from my apartment's parking lot). I still feel bad when he had to pay $255 to get it out of the junkyard and now has no money. I wanted to make him dinner tonight so he could eat well and be with me. I wanted to take care of him. He was totally down with this idea too until he said Christina was inviting people out to Fridays. I don't want to hold him back from doing anything, so he chose the Friday's route. This is not the first time he's "cancelled" his plans on me, he's done it a few times. I wish he would commit to what he says he'll do first. Then again, I couldn't commit to the Mud Run today because I was drunk and up past 2am when I had to be out of the house by 5am today. That was a mistake.
Now I have to lock up my heart again and with that I have to be a little colder. I need to make sure I bury my feelings deep in cement before they grow and sprout into flowers. I don't want to keep playing this game of cat and mouse. Beau needs to decide if he really likes me the way he says he does and if he really wants to commit himself to me. I don't think he wants to and thus, I have to protect myself. I don't want to bother him anymore to come and be with me, I want him to want to be with me and want to come over and offer to come over before I ask him to.
I'm in a crabby mood. I'm bloated, bored, no cable, watched all the movies I care to watch, slept too much today so I'm not tired. And I cleaned the house already. It's Saturday night, I should be out on the town. Instead, I'm at home, on the couch, sulking. At least this blogging keeps me from texting Beau constantly. I'm halfway tempted to turn my phone off but I won't do that. I have some hope, false or not, that I'll hear somewhat good news. That's doubtful it'll happen. I should just put long pants on and get my iPod and walk to the beach. But being alone I'll look like a loser. Not that I care what other people think, but still. Maybe it's a good thing Beau isn't here because I'm sure as shit bored as hell. I think I'm just going to leave him alone for the rest of the night. I've already kind of soured it by bringing the Ashleigh thing up and being a pain in the butt.
Men are difficult.

smitten kitten

2008-10-12T23:18:00.002-07:00

It has been a lovely last couple of days. :)
On Friday Beau and I went to a place called 3rd Corner in Sunset Cliffs (Ocean Beach). It's a wine shop and restaurant in one. We browsed some of the wines and he pointed out which ones his Dad sold to that restaurant. He even spoke with the manager upon check-in and knew his Dad so it was nice to get an easy foot in the door.
We picked out a Brunello from 2002 (don't really care but apparently it would have been a bigger deal if it was a 2001). The bartender uncorked it and then we got seated at our table. It would have been more romantic had we been at one of the corner booths but this was fine. Beau suggested we have a glass of champage, to "cleanse our pallets" for the appetizer course. I'm not one to turn down champagne, so we had a glass. Our appetizer was a dry cured meats plate with olives and bread. I also decided on the duck for the main course - I've never had duck and wanted to try. I let Beau do all the ordering. Normally I can order for myself but I had no idea what I was doing and was greatful for his leading. Then after we decided to order dessert and some more champagne, a pink bubbly this time. I got a chocolate bread pudding with berries and Beau got the best creme brulee I've ever tasted - made with genuine heavy cream, oh wow, it was yum-O. We were there for at least a couple hours and talking about work and everything. I have to say it was one of the best dates I've ever been on.
We came back and put in an episode of Nip/Tuck but I was so drunk with wine and charm and smitten-ness that I didn't pay attention to half of it. And of course we...how do I word our sex with each other? It's not "making love" - I certainly don't want to throw that word around at this point. It's not just "having sex," it's not "fucking," and I definitely won't recycle the "make whoopie" term. Gross. Well anyway, whatever it is, we did. I can't put into words how nice that date was. He of course, stayed the night. We decided to breakfast it up the next morning, starting with a morning shower. :DDD The water got shut off after about 15 minutes! So I had to hurry to put conditioner in my hair and we got dressed and walked next door to The Menu - one of my favorite breakfast places in San Diego (one of the only one's I've been to since I've lived here, but still, it's within walking distance, the service is good, and I love it). It was so great to have Beau all to myself for more than 12 hours at a time. Just lovely.
Yesterday Lisa was having her 30th birthday party. I made her a cock cake (hehehe) and stopped by work first to get her a nice bottle of wine for her birthday. Beau helped me pick out one for her and a white for me to drink and showed me the new syrah they tried the other day, which I also bought. It also happened to be his lunch hour (surprise, surprise) so he met me at my car and I drove us to Rubios. Afterwards I went to Lisa's and had sangria and cake and Ashleigh texted me at one point saying she was going and should she bring beer - I was thinking, "No! Don't come! Beau is going to be here and it's already a small gathering and I don't want it to be awkward!" But she showed up and we were all having a good time. At one point Ashleigh and I were talking and we were talking about him and her view on their breakup. I just listened and kinda put in my two cents for generic advice but tried not to give away too much information. Meanwhile I texted Beau saying the party wasn't that great, that (at the time) I was the only TJ person there and if he wanted to he could meet me back at my place and I'd leave soon. He agreed and I left the party. We had the syrah at home and he stayed the night again. I was sad that he had to leave so soon this morning to be at work one time by 10 a.m. Then soon enough it was my time to go to work. When I walked down to my car I saw that someone had written "I <3 U" in the dirty back window. At first I immediately thought Beau did it but it could have easily been Ashleigh or Lisa at her party, or even some random stranger who confused my car to belonging to someone else! So I asked Beau about it at work, and he said he did it last night when he came by. Waaaay too sweet, I fall for that kind of corny stuff constantly. Then when I got to my car tonight after work to drive home, I noticed there was an "I Miss U :)" in the rear left window. At this point I don't want to wash my car!
Beau, stop making me fall for you!! :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

am i bipolar?

2008-09-21T11:01:00.002-07:00

I think I may be bipolar everytime I fall for someone.
Yesterday was the second time I went girly psycho on Beau.
It's just not fair. Anthony was having a Black and White ball for him and his friends birthday - they do this every year. Anthony invited me via Facebook and even brought it up at work. Granted, I had to work til midnight the day of that event, but he said the party would go on til at least 3am, so I could come by afterwards. I even went and bought a nice low-cut white shirt and would wear it with my black dress pants and white dress shoes - meeting the attire requirements. Beau also said he was going but warned me there would be other people from TJ's there - so what, right? Well, I wanted to read into it as though he didn't want me there, thus leading me to questioning his feelings for me. So I ruffled his feathers a little last night and brought this up, to which he replied, "Jesus. I'm just trying to look out for you. Come if you want, you'll have fun. Just don't get drunk and get all over me. Not in public." Needless to say that message left me fuming with rage. Yeah right I'm going to be getting drunk anytime soon in front of my coworkers again! Hello, does anyone remember Bar Basic? Yeah, barely, but the memories are still there and I'm still licking my wounds from that. I wouldn't have even hung around him at the event - plenty of people from work were going to be there plus I'd want to meet some of Anthony's friends. How dare Beau assume and accuse me of committing those actions! Jerk.
Regardless, I was still battling emotions last night and for about 4 hours straight I wanted to burst into tears. Thank God I made it through my shift - I thought the last five hours would never end. When I texted Beau that I was seconds from crying, he said "Don't cry, take a breath and remember that tomorrow I'm gonna still be here. I'm still gonna be me and still gonna like you a lot. :)" Not enough reassurance sweetie. After that I didn't text him anymore at work. I was already stirring the pot, I really didn't feel like adding explosives to it and ruin his evening. I've done that many a time before and the repercussions aren't pleasing.
I got home around 12:30pm when he texted me that Melissa and Staley were hooking up - jeez, big surprise. The two largest whores in the store getting their freak on, whoopadeedo. It was somewhat amusing to also hear that Dana was pissed with this, as she regularly hooks up with Staley, and that her and Melissa are kinda besties at work. It'll be even more fun to watch their friendship plummet down the drain - Melissa betrayed her, as she does with all her friends. I wonder if Dana now feels served like how I did when I found out she blabbed about me and Beau? It will hopefully be a bittersweet symphony, after all. But I won't count my chickens before they hatch.
So Beau apparently was having a good time. I told him that was good and that at least one of us was happy. He must have sent me some drunk texts because he asked me twice how he could make me happy. Gee, you can't now darlin' because the actions have been committed! Had you not said anything negative to me I could have been having fun with you at the ball, like you said at 1:45am - "Wish you were here. Work peeps are gone :-/" JACKASS! So now you want me there now that all work people are gone??
Back to an hour previous - I talked to Lars on the phone, came clean about the whole me and Beau thing re: investigation. Also told him about tonight. Lars told me he understood with Beau because Beau is just trying to protect me and my career. I get that part, really, I do. It is sweet and kind that he doesn't want me to get in trouble and lose my career. It's just hard to think that way when you're jaded on love. I told Lars I am fully capable of separating my feelings from work and home, that Beau and I act 100% professional around each other at work. Still, I guess it boils down to me screwing up. Or falling harder for Beau than he is for me. Or if he is at all.
I just want to know where he stands on his feelings for me. I want to tell him, again, that I want a relationship with him. I am willing to wait to "come out" until he eventually quits or I eventually get transferred. Hell, I may get sick of waiting and say that it isn't going to work, but that's a chance I'm willing to take. I am borderline falling in love (dare I say it??) and I want what I want when I want it, pending that the other party is floating in the same boat as me.
I'm feeling a little better today - I really need to hold my head up high at work today and act like nothing's wrong. Stay positive. Put on the facade in front of Beau that everything is peachy and yesterday never really happened. That's not denial, haha :)
I wonder if Beau plans to hookup when he's away in Chicago next week. If so, good for him. Better for me if I find out because in my mind, that's betrayal. I don't care if we're not officially together. Then again ::whispers:: I did hook up with Daniel Friday night. Yeah, I can attribute that action to my moodiness yesterday. Guilty conscience. Oh well, Beau will never find out. I only told a couple people but if Beau questions me, I tell him that I had to tell that story, otherwise, who else did I get those hickeys from? Then again, he only looks dumb, right? I won't read into it too much, I barely told like 3 people. Meh.
So happy I had my coffee today. So happy that I didn't drink wine yesterday. Yeah, I really need to cool it on the alcohol consumption. Everytime I drink I really don't remember what I do and wonder why I have so many clothes on the floor the next morning. I need to get healthier.
Hold my head high, take a deep breath...and sigh.

ex's are ex's for a reason

2008-09-14T00:58:00.003-07:00

I hate him.
I hate that I allow myself to be bothered what he says. I become bothered because I feel like he does it on purpose, to throw it in my face. I torture myself by visiting his Myspace, of all places! I see his headline and status update, and it's still set to "My girlfriend does Krank" but also he put some German phrase in his status line. When I found a translation for it, it said "KRANK is overpowered with joy, everytime he sees them."
Motherfucker...
I'm just having a bum day I guess. It was my Monday, and I didn't get to see Beau tonight, especially since I was getting pretty horny.
I feel like, and this is bad, he's getting annoyed with me. Maybe I just need to back off and let him want me and want to come to me. But I don't want to wait. I know what I want, when I see I want it, so I want it all any chance I get. I need to understand though that he can't always make time for me, especially since we're not in a relationship (and we're not supposed to be anyway). He went to his friends wedding today! I can't expect him to stay mellow at a celebration! Shit, if I were him, I'd be getting wasted at the party too!
I felt like I was giving him a hardtime/the cold shoulder tonight through texting when he said he may be up for it. I let myself get pissed or upset at first and then I had to reason with myself that he probably will be tired. He even offered to come by tomorrow evening so we'll see how that goes. I switched my shift from closing to 12-10 but hey, I may even go in at 11:30 and leave at 9:30p, we'll see. We'll have to text tomorrow and see if he really comes by or not. Again, I'm willing to lose an hour of sleep if I get an extra minute with him!
I want more wine.

How did this blog go from talking about my ex to talking about my future "beau"? A "beau" that could be a potential "ex"...
Jeez, I'm such a negative Nancy...

my new drug

2008-09-12T22:59:00.003-07:00

The last month has been a bit tumultuous and daunting and stressful and erotic and crazy...how many more words can I describe it?
I made a big mistake through work. I got super drunk at our store event and made a couple inappropriate comments to some co-workers, puked in the women's room at the ballgame, and had to be escorted to the stadium infirmary and driven home by Beau. Because he drove me home, a handful of people automatically assumed we were having romantic relations. So note true, he was just taking me home because I obviously couldn't drive, right? Well, the two girls who started those rumors were Melissa and Dana. This caused a whole daunting and stressful investigation at my store conducted by Brett and Joe. They talked to me twice to get my story, same with Beau, and also talked to Melissa, Dana, Clayton and a handful of others. Then we all submitted our written and signed statements, and HR decided that there was inconclusive evidence because we had all had a bit to drink at the event and couldn't remember things clearly. So I got a final warning - my first and hopefully only warning during my Trader Joes career. I cashed in all my karma points that day and the big guy in the sky says it's not my time to royally fuck up so...I have a renewed sense of faith. I truly feel lucky and blessed. I'm also greatful that I wasn't the only tanked one at the game.
However...I feel extremely betrayed by Dana. I thought we were becoming good friends and then she had to go run her mouth and spread me and Beau rumors. During the whole two weeks of the investigation she wouldn't talk or even look at Beau or I. And now that it's all over, she's back to talking and gossiping with me. I'm giving in a bit and I believe I'm better at playing the catty girl games she loves to partake in. I'm pretending to be her friend back but our friendship will never be restored. She royally fucked up and it's going to be very hard for me to trust her again. Her and Melissa are perfect for each other - catty, gossipy, go out to Nunu's and hook up with random men...one day they're going to turn on each other hardcore and it's going to be ugly and hilarious at the same time.
Even after all this shit...I'm still dipping my pen in the company ink. Beau and I are together almost every night, it's wonderful and sick at the same time. We just watch movies and talk and mostly drink wine and of course sex is thrown in there too. We're always texting each other, at work and at home. I'm always asking him what he's doing after work or at night and about 90% he's more than willing to come over. We went to Point Loma Seafoods for lunch yesterday - he sent me a text afterwards thanking me for it and that it was wonderful. Then I asked him to come out with me to Altitude with Sara and her friends. We got kinda dressed up and Altitude was having a private party (booo) so we all went to Maloney's instead and had a blast. It was so nice to go out in public with him and be able to touch him, sit in his lap, kiss him...he looked so cute with his black with vertical stripes long sleeve button up shirt. And he did his hair a little too - looked classy. He had dry martinis and I had an overly sweet LIIT and then switched to Ketel tonics. I told him I would pick up our tab last night but he handed over his credit card first. Ugh! Jackass! :)
Double Ugh but not so much - gotta finish this later because he is coming over :DDD

temptation for forbidden fruit

2008-08-16T11:43:00.002-07:00

I am...a goddess. Or an idiot. But even the morning after, I'm still going to choose the goddess route.
I've been somewhat attracted to a handful of people from work, and I'll list them here - Ryan McGill, hot because of his power; Rich Posey, because he's always flirting with me and I do enjoy looking at his green eyes; Rich Lockmanese (when he was there), because he's super tall and super sweet to me; and Beau, because he's an uber whino and he turns the charm up full speed.
Recently him and Ashleigh broke it off - she sent him a Dear John letter while he was away in Finland - fucked up, right? So now that he was back on the market, I became even more flirty with him than before. And it started with adding him on my Facebook.
One night Beau and I were exchanging notes back and forth, and I had been drinking some crappy Chardonnay (Coastal, just so I know not to get it again), when he sent me a "Enjoying your profile pic" note (It's of my back showing off my wings). So I sent him a private email back saying "Would you like a closer look? I'm so bad :)" And he said "You are horrible. Yes." I thought he meant that, "Yes, yes, you are horrible." So I changed the subject and eventually led to suggesting having a wine taste at my place. Obviously I want to taste wine, I love wine, and I want to learn more about it. I reread the messages the next morning and realized, "Oh, he really DOES want a closer look at my tattoo!" That was a serious reciprocation of the flirt exchange.
So we'd been texting back and forth, and I told him that while I was out at Altitude Sky Bar (side note: AMAZING bar! No charge, great and strong drinks, outside, amazing views of downtown San Diego) he may receive an abundance of drunk texts. Well, slightly drunk, but heavy on the shameless flirt front. Eventually I needed help from Sara and Kyle (her Navy friend) on what to say to beat Beau at his own flirting game. Ultimately, it led to the suggestion of him coming by my place after I got home from the bar. He contested to my suggestion - HOLLA! How excited was I?? Majorly.
Well it took longer than expected to get home - Sara needed to walk around downtown to work off some of her drunk. Then we winded our way around downtown to get back to Kyle's, where we took a pee break and told his roommates about our night. It was getting seriously late and I reminded them I had a booty call to fulfill, which Sara gladly helped me out and we got out of there right away. Dropped me off at her place, and then I drove home and texted Beau that I was ready to go.
He almost didn't come by because he had fallen asleep, but luckily woke up and got my texts. Still came over, and I had popped in "Old School" for background noise and laughs and distractions because now I was getting nervous...my liquid courage was gone and all I could really think about was the insufferable consequences if anybody found out about me and Beau's tryst.
When he came over, we watched the movie when he was nudging the "So what do you want to do" out of me, and I vaguely explained my fears, and he reassured that as long as we don't say anything and keep work and play totally separate, we should be fine. Plus, I guess Joe and Brett are okay with fulltimers and parttimers hanging out, whether at Friday's or doing other things, just as long as personal/romantic relationships don't develop. Well, I'm the only fulltimer not in a relationship (boyfriend or marriage) so I guess I'm the only one they'd have to worry about. But I feel I'm putting up a good front, we'll see...
Anyways, after those fears were laid out and put to rest, I said, "Well, I had some liquid courage, but I lost it, and now I have no courage. So I guess I have nothing left but to go for it." And I grew my cojones and went in to kiss him - the smile on his face was the last thing I saw before planting my lips on his.
He is a really nice kisser, even a bit "powerful" at times with the tongue play. His lips are soft and I really like the patch of hair below his lower lip and stroking his face when we kiss. Eventually I put myself straddling him but it was kind of awkward on the couch - I couldn't rub myself up against him but I tried. He brushed his hands over my breasts and butt but made sure not to park them there for a long time. Just nice back and side strokes, letting his hands roam freely wherever they felt comfortable. I made sure to give him some equal love strokes back. For me it was too good to be true so I did stop after awhile, and we talked some more, and watched the Olympics on TV.
He left a little after 5 a.m. - thank God we don't have to be at work til 2p and 3p today. But before he left, he was about to walk off but I couldn't let that happen- I went up to him and he held me against him and we kissed more. I really didn't want to stop but we were both tired and why not save some more for next time?
So yeah...I don't know what it is about forbidden fruit, but I sure love giving into the temptation. I like that when I know what I want, I go for it. I suppose it usually tends to work out the way I want it to. And I trust he won't say anything. I will, however, continue to flirt shamelessly with him at work, on Facebook, and via text. I hope he'll be able to come over again real soon.
And for the record - we didn't have sex because I'm on the rag. Which could be my sweet saviour but at least there's always next time. And I'll be damned if I don't get me some vitamin B (Thanks Dana, for that reference).

i let people scare me

2008-07-11T23:45:00.004-07:00

July 3rd is when I found out that Brian was dating someone else.
July 4th is when I decided I would have a rebound.
July 4th is when I got a rebound.
The rebound sex wasn't the best, as first times are with new partners. But at least he wasn't a one minute man.
Every night for the week following I kept asking him what he was up to and if he'd want to come by. Every night I got rejected, and for really stupid reasons. Come on, I was offering him free milk without having to feel obligated to buy the cow! What red blooded straight American male would turn that down?
Anyway, he finally came over at 3am this morning, and the sex was SOO much better. I was even halfway drunk and I almost came. I think that's an accomplishment considering I do NOT orgasm when I'm drunk. Unless, of course, you can literally go ALL NIGHT and I'm not seconds away from passing out.
Finally confided in Lauren about my rebound, and I proceeded to get yelled at about contracting STD's. I promised her I would go to the PP clinic in the morning. I suppose I should do a standard checkup/bloodscreening. I've only done it once, and it was after my stint in Florida that I got it done. Came back all negative so I felt fine. Then the past time I went to the gyno in April, everything came back negative. So I really just have to "worry" about this one random hookup I had.
To be honest, I myself am not worried. I told him I was clean and on birth control, he told me he was clean too. And just for double protection, I made him use a condom. However, last night, we didn't use one. I guess I still have the safe mentality of Brian - we were together for so long and monogamous that I felt it was okay, any worry of contracting STD's from him were put at bay. And if I had happened to get pregnant with him, it still would have been fine because I loved him and planned to be with him for the rest of my life.
For any future run-ins with my "rebound," we must wear condoms, even if he hasn't worn them in a long time (since his last relationship from over a year ago, which he says is also the last time he got laid).
Bottom line, I'm not worried. But for my sake and Lauren's sanity, I will go get tested tomorrow. And then I can start with a clean slate. Yay!

24 and what a bore!

2008-06-29T21:46:00.002-07:00

Man...

Everyday I heal just a little more, and every one of those days, I want it that much more badder to be his friend.
He called last night as I was about to pass out (I had been out drinking too) and I was misunderstanding and assuming stuff about him wanting to come by tomorrow to get the rest of his stuff. I told him I didn't want that and that Thursday would be better. Then he'd say something and I'd reply and he would accuse me of arguing. I really wasn't! I even told him I wasn't trying to argue and jumped straight into saying that I wanted more than anything to be his friend. I think he said something about needing time still before he could have that friendship with me.
That's so frustrating. If he hasn't healed like I've healed by now, then maybe he was so in love with me that he shouldn't have dumped me!
After talks like that and finding out harsh truths, I just want to cry. I still hate that we have broken up. I still hate how I've been really good with being civil and neutral with him and he just blows me off.
I still hope that one day he changes his mind about us and wants to be together and believes that we can work. If and when that day comes, and if I happen to be in a relationship at that same time, I won't have a problem turning him down. But I'm not going to hold out for him. I'll let things happen for ME at the world's and God's own pace. It would just be nice, because of the way I'm still feeling, if he'll come around SOONER, with a friendship or a relationship. I'll take what I can get at this point.
Brian Krank I miss you so much you have no idea.

2008-05-26T00:54:00.002-07:00

I never EVER thought it would come down to this.
I never even saw it coming.
I want to blame myself for everything.
It's only been 48 hours but I feel like I can't stop crying.
I JUST DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM!
I danced around with suicidal thoughts today. I thought maybe if I drove my car off a cliff it could end all the pain. I hate going through this pain! It's horrible!
Why must we fall in love only to be set up with such hurt when it doesn't work? All relationships don't work! They always end, don't they?
I feel like that's the story of my life, everytime. I really thought this was the one for me, I was finally relieved of the lifelong search. At 23 I really believed that the person that walked into my life would be in my life the rest of my life. I believed so much that we would be married, and have kids, and he would always fall asleep next to me in our bed. Goddamn I'm going to miss that the most.
Every new development just makes me burst into tears. His six hour disappearance, his overnight stay somewhere else but here, the fact that he's made up his mind and stood his ground on having enough of it and not wanting to be with me, how he already took his name off our lease...
And when I got home tonight, I saw he already started packing up his glassware, and tears immediately sprung to my eyes. I planned on eating a salad after not eating all day, but I just lost my meager appetite again. Will he really be out in a week or will he linger around for a bit? My psyche is torn when I want him to be here but at the same time it makes me ill in my stomach and I want to leech out into screams and cries and I don't want him here at all. I want to keep some things that I cherish of his but at the same time I don't want them and if I kept them, I might throw them away or burn them. Which, if I tried to sneak in a picture of us in one of his packings, when he discovers it, will he destroy it or keep it?
His presence will be here for awhile - the little pubic hairs around the toilet, the smell of his bodywash in the shower, some pine needles from our Christmas tree that I still find around the place when I vacuum...the very fact that we moved into this place together, back into California, just living here in San Diego will be a painful reminder that I do not have him anymore.
I want to worry if he'll immediately begin seeing another woman but that thought just hurts me too much and I think for my wellbeing it's better off for me if I don't know what he is up to.
I want to be friends but I fear it won't work out - I'll let my emotions get in the way and because he refuses a relationship with me, then I have to refuse a friendship for both our sakes, even if it still hurts me. It may hurt me more to know that all I can get is a friendship from him, and even then, we're drawing a fine line at that.

God, please tell me why this couldn't work? Why is it when you lose something is when you truly appreciate it for everything it's worth? Why did I have to take advantage of it all? Why did I have to get so comfortable and forget that he even existed sometimes? Already, I miss cleaning up after him, one of the 5 things that bugged me the most about him. We were great in the beginning, and then one or two arguments sometime in the summer was the beginning, and the got more frequent and frequent and frequent. I got so many chances to start over and yet I abused the commodity of being forgiven. Not this time. This time it really is over.

I feel sick. I'm going to go pray and cry some more and read and...I don't know. I just don't know.

sexual awakening

2008-01-07T23:10:00.000-07:00

So it's been almost a year since I've written in here. Okay, at least 7-8 months. Still, it's been awhile.

Awhile back...Brian and I were curious about the threesome complex. I'd had one before, he had yet to experience it. Then, without telling him or making it known to him, I became greedy, and wanted him all to myself. There was never a doubt in my mind, but there was the fear he'd think the "other" (preferably a female) would be prettier than I. No woman is better than me. I feel my sexual prowress awakening...

So...how do I bring it up that I want to explore this option again? Certainly, I wouldn't want to go about it with a casual, female friend...and definitely not a stranger, for fear of contracting some kind of sexual disease. But, damn, the show "Nip/Tuck" is getting me all hot and bothered over the 3-way concept. I'm even resorting to surfing the Craigslist ads for women who want to be with couples.

Watching this show and drinking chardonnay may not be the best mix...but Brian will be home in 60 minutes or less (I hope), so if I'm still feeling this good, and if I'm awake, we're going to have GREAT sex. Hopefully the smell and taste of wine on my breath and tongue won't perturb him too much. I'm way too horny right now and I have to be back at work at 6am.

Bottom line...I wouldn't mind revisiting the idea of a threesome. I also want him to experience the pleasure of being with two women at one time - every man's fantasy, right? But...maybe it'll bring us closer together. We can have this random hookup while focusing our attention on each other, and making the third FEEL just as special as we make each other feel.

I'll have to bring this idea up to him soon. REAL soon.

Kim

baby's doing a bad bad thing

2007-03-28T22:24:00.000-07:00

Just how bad can the repercussions be from violating Policy 12 in the Trader Joes company?

Only ruining my career. That's it.

So what the hell am I doing dating a part-timer? Even more, what the hell am I doing planning on moving to San Diego with him?

I don't think anyone is aware of our companionship at work. We keep it very platonic, talk to each other minimally, if not, professionally. He is completely aware and accepting of me being his boss, and I have the same relationship for him being my crew member. If it were anything more intimate, our courtship would be given away. AND I CAN'T AFFORD THAT. This is my career. Shame on me for fucking it up and taking a chance on this human.

I just hope this human is worth it. I gave up singlehood for this person. I was really enjoying the single life and not giving a care about love until this person came along.

This is, he came along awhile ago. Six months ago I was still licking my wounds from the Dudley regime. He was fucking some other crew member, and once I found that out, I never flirted with him again, much less talked to him. Then their shit got sour and he became bitter, but that's only because he wanted something she didn't want. Christmas came around and in a drunken stupor I told him that he was the first person I had a crush on in our store. Can't remember what his reaction was. But prior to that confession and beyond, he would ask if I wanted to meet up for a drink - at Jilian's, wherevers, whatevs. Just to chat. I thought that maybe all of my "You can talk to me about anything" talks were finally getting to him. 'Bout damn time some of my wisdom got through to someone. These meets were strictly platonic - just shooting the shit about work and whatnot.

Then something must have cracked one night - he invited me over to his place because one of his schoolmates graduated from his school. I came over, and we just hung out, talking for a couple hours. I figured he was feeling something more, but you never can tell with the opposite sex.

Flash forward to now - we spend about 4-5 nights out of an entire week together. He comes by after night school, we have a beer, watch late night television or a movie, and go to bed. Sometimes sex is thrown in there, which, I might add, gets better every time, which is a plus.

Back to the San Diego business - he's planning on moving out there after he graduates in a couple of weeks because getting a job out there is more dependable then getting one here (long story). I love San Diego, and there's something in me that just wants to be with him....

So I'm taking the plunge and asking my boss for me transfer out there.

Of course, my boss isn't aware of us being a couple. A big NO NO in this company. But hey, what he doesn't know won't hurt him, right?

Hopefully this San Diego business works out. I really wouldn't mind moving out there - I'll finally be independent and away from my parents (a permanent first in my life, the first time was in Florida, but that was only for five months, and not that being away from my parents is a bad thing, but being completely indepedent from them is a good thing, I will miss them for sure). I'll be in one of my favorite places in the world - Mission Beach, CA (in the neighborhood of San Diego). My childhood friend lives there and goes to school (Cynari, SDSU), and it'll be a great change and I'll be back in my homestate - California.

"We've been on the run, driving in the sun, looking out for number one - California, here we come - right back where we started from. Hustlers, grab your guns - your shadow weighs a ton driving down the 101. California, here we come, right back where we started from - CALIFORNIA."

There's just something about that word - California. Caliscrilla. Fuck that word. CALIFORNIA. CAL-I-FOR-N-IA.

Damn I love that state. Soon to be, "Damn, I love this state."

Can't wait to go home...

randomly bored

2006-11-09T22:02:00.000-07:00

God I miss him so fucking much. And I don't want to!
I wish he'd call me again and that I can answer and talk. If not, I would hope that he would call me again and at least leave an address so I can write to him.
I'm bored. And tired. I don't think Molly is going to call so we can go get a drink. I don't really want to drink anyway. But I've got make-up on and I look cutie so I don't want to waste a good lookin' me. And I don't want to stay out late either. Maybe I don't know what I want.
I do know what I want. I was to go to Vegas in January. I want to go to Portland in March. Guess I'll have to wait to go to Greece in the spring of 2008.
Had I known that nothing would have happened tonight, I would have gone on a date with Kevin.
I'm so sick of my body right now. I made an attempt to run today. It took me 40 minutes to run 3.5 miles. I fuckin' suck and hate myself for this. Maybe I'll wake early tomorrow and try again. Gotta keep trying.
Maybe I'll take off my makeup, put on my lounge pants, and watch.....
Guess I'm not in the mood for another movie. Maybe I should just go to bed. Yuck.

2006-11-04T23:55:00.000-07:00

Last night was interesting. I found out that clothes don't make the person. I was able to let loose on the dance floor wearing my work jeans, long sleeved gray shirt, and dirty sneakers, my hair in a messy bun, and minimal makeup. But I also needed about 4 drinks to do that as well. Molly and I made an unexpected visit at the Scorch bar and gave them a show on the dancefloor. We even danced with a few guys too. It was a crazy, fun night. I was a little hungover this morning. But all is fine now.

And in other news...

Why did he call me? "Hey, this is Dudley, I'm in basic training! It sucks. Well you missed my call because you don't answer from strange numbers. I'll talk to you later."

And then Alisa's note: "If you want to talk, that's fine with me. I already told you I wanted us to, but you retreated into this ball of bitterness and I could not penetrate it. You should know that I was the one cheated on... not you. Dudley was dating me and having sex with you at the same time...and he was lying about it. So, if you want to call anyone a slut, you should direct your verbal assults towards someone who really needs to hear it. My numbers the same when and if you need to talk to me."

Alisa's note I found humorous. Dudley's phone call, not so much. I'm upset with him. And I have a feeling that I just want to drop all acrimony with Alisa. I don't know what to do so for right now it's best to let it rest. Not talk to either. Let him be the jerk he is and continue doing what he does best - manipulation and flirtation. Let her do what she does best - open her legs and punch out kids.

do i want to remember this?

2006-11-01T21:25:00.000-07:00

A couple nights ago, I had ANOTHER dream. This time, we had just broke up, and him and her were moving in together, all the while I was over at their new place. They would kiss in front of me like it was no big deal but at the same time it seemed a bit vindictive for them to do so. I finally left, crying, because I would never get him back. When I got to the intersection (I was walking home), I saw a dead cat - it was my cat. I became hysterical and frantically called him to come help me. They both showed up shortly after that, and then the dream ended.

Also...two nights ago, I met up with Molly and Veronica at Jillian's for a couple drinks. It was fun, but then I purposely became melodramatic when the song "I'll Follow You Into The Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie came on, because it reminded me of Dudley. I really didn't want to melodramatic but more so wanted to make a statement I suppose. On the drive home from there, I called him and left a message - why oh why did I do it? I blabbed on how I hoped he was okay, and that maybe us breaking up was a mistake, and I really believed we were meant to be together, and that I hope he calls/visits when he's back in town for Christmas. I won't know how to explain myself when/if he questions my message. I guess just laugh it off and admit that the sober life is not for me....not yet, anyway. :)

no escape

2006-10-18T09:22:00.000-07:00

Even after he leaves, I STILL have nightmares about him cheating on me!!!

I was driving by the neighborhood I went to high school in. I saw him walking with friends that he went to school with - they were all wearing tan slacks and white polos. I told myself I wouldn't drive by to "spy" on him, but I couldn't help myself. I drove by hoping he'd recognize my car, but I don't remember what happened after that.

Somewhere in the dream he cheated on me with this girl I used to be friends with in grade school, who I'm sure is now a lesbian - she even looks like a total dyke! But then I told him I never wanted to see him again. Later on, a friend I was with found them MAKING OUT in MY BEDROOM when we stopped by my apartment for a couple minutes! I couldn't believe the nerve they had! I didn't notice until later that the girl he cheated on me with was wearing my orange running shorts, and he was wearing something of mine as well.

Why do I keep having these dreams of him cheating on me? We've been broken up for a couple of months now, and the damage of him really cheating on me has been done...so why do these dreams still haunt me? What does it all mean? I'll have to research this. I'm thinking it probably means that I'm not over him or still love him or something, because, yes, it's all true.

I went back to match.com on impulse. I'm thinking I might sign up for 3-6 months or something. I'd like to meet people and start dating again. Hopefully Brooke and I go out sometime to dance or whatever and meet people as well.
Now I'll go analyze my dreams...

promotion!!!

2006-10-11T21:41:00.000-07:00

Last Friday I received word that I got promoted at Trader Joes. I knew it was going to happen - I foreshadowed when too, and if I had been wrong, c'est la vie - it would have happened eventually. But my captain didn't know where I was going yet, so I kept the news quiet until then. Yesterday I found out I was being shipped off to the North Scottsdale store - just as easy of a drive as my current commute. I'm excited, I even got to talk to my new boss briefly while all my current managers were in a meeting and I got to be the next in command to hold the fort down at the store. Today, I went to visit my new store. The captain, Paul, wasn't in, but I got to meet my first mate, Bobi, and found out I would be working with a guy that I worked with in Sun City, so now I have a couple comrades when I start out. I report Monday MORNING at 4AM. NUTS!!! And even more nuttier - I have to be in at 3AM the next morning. Paul likes to open the store at 8am instead of 9am and close at 10pm instead of 9pm. Oh boy, am I in for a ride...but hey, I gotta take it in stride and stand back and breathe...more than once in awhile.
Dudley is back from L.A. He came in the store this morning but only said "Hi" to me and half-hugged me. I was surprised to see that he had dropped by but kind of mad because...I knew he'd find Alisa too. Then I saw Alisa went on break and ran across the street - she HAD to have been going out to lunch with him, which bothered me so much I was distracted for an hour and cried a little. This is one of the main reasons I'm GLAD I'm getting out of that store - I can't handle that tension and underlying hostility I have for the both of them.
After work I stopped by his place real quickly. I ended up having ANOTHER spazz attack, crying that I wouldn't get to see him again after that moment because I had to get back to my mother that was waiting for me at my apartment, and Friday I was busy, so I only had Thursday but he might be hanging out with his Dad or Grant tomorrow. Fuck man! I made him promise me we'd hang out tomorrow, I even hurt both his arms to assure his promise, which still didn't mean a damn thing to me anyway - he's a wishy washy person when it comes to making promises.
After having an afternoon of visiting my store, having dinner with my mom, and playing a card game, I sent him a message asking him to call me, then figured, I'll just drive over there and just ask for a minute of his time. That minute turned into more than a few, and I told him how I wear my heart on my sleeve and that I had missed him and I was sorry for acting uber melodramatic earlier on. I told him that I went and saw the store, but now I was getting more nervous and a little scared about what I'm stepping into. We talked a little and things are okay. I'm going over there tomorrow after work and we'll do something, not sure. It'll be the last time I'll see him in a long time, could be forever, who knows? I know I'll cry. It'll suck, but it'll be alright. Everything turns out alright in the end.

sneak peek in my twisted mind

2006-10-08T21:07:00.000-07:00

Gwen, when I listen to your song, "Cool,"...must you make me miss him this much?

Damn you, Gwen.

I don't want to call him. I want him to call me. But if he doesn't (which is very likely), I won't be upset. I really don't have much to say anyway except that I ran 10 miles today. The most I've ever run. And now my belly looks like I'm 4 months pregnant, which I'm NOT. I didn't even eat all that much today like I have in the past couple of days.

The only good part about being depressed was the lack of appetite. Oh yeah...and I won't drink coffee for awhile because a few days ago I had my usual two cups and I feigned sickness at work but really I think I psychosomaticised (word, sp?) myself into thinking I truly was sick, even though I was perfectly fine. I just wanted to get a reaction out of Alisa when I told her I hadn't gotten my period in a week thus far, which isn't true, at least, not yet to my knowledge. I want her to think I'm having a pregnancy scare with Dudley's baby, which again, is not true. I WANT HER TO CONFESS THAT SHE FUCKED HIM!!! So I've been avoiding her at work. And I made her SWEAR that she don't tell anybody about my so-called "scare," including Dudley. My story is that I wouldn't want to tell him unless it's absolutely positively correct that I'm "pregnant," even though I'm not. "Why scare him when it may not be true? And if it is true, I won't tell him anyway because he's leaving, I wouldn't want that to be a distraction." Heh heh heh. I'm bored, I like to create drama. But the bottom line - I WANT HER TO CONFESS THAT SHE FUCKED HIM!!!

Maybe I'll call him because I'm tired and about to go to bed and I don't want him calling me an hour after I fall asleep because I will be awake FOR-EV-ER!!!

one

2006-10-04T20:15:00.000-07:00

Is truly the lonliest number that you'll ever do...

I've been so bored, but more so, so lonely lately. Being single sucks...in the beginning anyway. I go to work, come home and waste my life away here. This is why I am a drama queen - drama provokes LIFE and INTRIGUE in my life, I THRIVE on drama and passion. Without it I am nothing, as I am right now. I have no inspiration.
And God dammit I miss him. I still want him to leave but at the same time I don't because I will miss him so much. I talked to him last night and told him that I felt alone. He said I wasn't alone, my guess was that he was implying that I wasn't alone as long as he was in my life. Maybe so...but I really would enjoy some physical company. Whether it's his own or one of my few girlfriends or even a cat. I always enjoy my mom's company but I can't keep relying on it and going over to the house everytime I'm bored and lonely.
Just realized that the word "one" is in the word "lonely."
Things I'm looking forward to: Saturday, because I'm going to Tucson to visit Mary and Lars; next weekend, because I get to go to Long Beach, CA for the half marathon; getting promoted for my job and getting out of that store; going to Portland after Christmas; and...
I'm not sure if I should look forward to Dudley coming home for a week before he goes to boot camp because I don't think I'll get to spend any time with him. He's having a going away get-together at Rosie's next Friday, but I plan on not going. I'll possibly be leaving that night for Long Beach, if not, early that next morning. I won't be back til Sunday night, and then I'll have to work early that Monday, and he leaves that Tuesday.
I hate looking forward to my time off in my home. Something about this place that keeps me depressed.
God, take me away from this hell...

am i getting over him?

2006-10-02T18:24:00.000-07:00

Just thought I'd share the following in regards to the conversation (or attempt to have one) I had with Dudley on the phone last night:

10:07pm 10/1/06

Wow - never realized how

ANNOYING

the spoiled little brat is.
Okay, so when people CALL me, I expect they want to TALK to me, not CHECK IN with me. What kind of a person does that? (Unless you're a submissive girlfriend or a whipped boyfriend, to which Dudley is neither.) Never in my last five years of friendships have I had ANY friend call me "just to check in with me." They call me because they want to TALK to me.
And when I call him back after two purposefully missed calls from him, he doesn't WANT to talk. Well what the fuck did you call me for then? Douchebag. He says he's bored and upset and just wants to be alone. Well, I'll bet that if one of his L.A. friends had shown up at his doorstep that minute he'd want some company, to which I'd understand if he didn't want to talk on the phone with me. But seriously...did he have to be so WHINY about it? Double douchebag.
Whatever Dudley, then don't "check in with me." I don't miss you. Loser. Haha.

terrible dreams

2006-09-30T15:59:00.000-07:00

I met up with Dudley on a ride similar to a cross between "It's A Small World" and "Splash Mountain." He was waiting off to the side for Alisa but I happened to convince him to do down the water flume and talk to me. We got down to the bottom, me first, then him. Then we decided to talk later.
The next day, I had to work with Alisa for a little bit and I dished out a couple catty comments to her in the office. She reacted like she normally did with her annoying laugh. Then I walked by the produce section where she was talking to Linda and a couple of other crewmembers about her "times" with Dudley and what their future plans were. I walked by like I hadn't listened in on the conversation but was secretly eavesdropping. It was obvious that I was idling by and I think they knew to but decided to keep their voices down anyway.
Back at the same park from the day before, I saw a rumpled up maroon blanket. I had replayed the events in my mind- I saw them rolling around by a pool outside. He was on top of her and was kissing her neck. She looked like she was in heaven. That's when I realized the rumpled blanket meant they had fucked again. At this point, they were trying to develop a serious relationship, even though he was still leaving for the military in a couple of weeks.
Why her? Why make her the last "fling"/relationship he has before he leaves and not let his relationship with me be the be all and end all of his relationships before going to the Air Force?
I think this dream makes me realize...I can't talk to him again, at least, not for a long time.
I might have dreampt all this because I called Alisa yesterday but she was working. Dudley never called me like he said he would.
I hate them both.

mistake?

2006-09-29T19:22:00.000-07:00

Why did I do it? Why?
Why did I rejoin Myspace?
I somewhat hope it doesn't last long...

Slap in the face

2006-09-26T18:43:00.000-07:00

I've spent the day laying on the couch trying to be as comfortable as possible. I am hungover. I've also done a lot of thinking and revisiting last night's confessions. All I wanted to do was get drunk and have sex!
Anyways, we picked up a bottle of rum and headed home. Finally opened and drank the Vintage Ale from earlier this year. And my drinks are smoother than glass so they went down real easily. Then came the so-called slap:
Dudley wanted to tell me something that might hurt me but he needed to be honest. I figured, hey, I'm numb with alcohol and whatever shock it is won't be so bad than if I had been drinking water.
Sometime after we broke up, he and Alisa kissed. And then maybe at that same time, they had sex.
I told myself to not freak out, and I would have been okay if Dudley hadn't said "Don't cry/freak out." But then I started to cry a little and had to take off the sexy eyeliner job I'd done because I didn't want the black tears to run down onto my white tank top. I went into the bathroom and spent a little time in there, peeing and I began to cut my wrist in the same spot I had done three years ago with the little "A" charm on my star bracelet. "A" for Alisa. I got out, and yelled at him to leave, but then I stopped myself and said, "You know what? Don't leave. This might help. I'll just imagine you as my brother and you can imagine me as your sister, that way the pressure is off and it might help me get over you." Then we chose to forget that awful twenty minute span of time, but not before I poured a cup full of ice and soda pop down his "favorite" blue polo shirt. Haha :)
But then he didn't sleep in my bed with me. I don't remember what time I passed out, it must have been after midnight. I woke up around 5am and took one of the longest pisses of my life, but I was only wearing a thong. Then he woke me up a few hours later and said he was going to walk home. I think I was still a little drunk so I tried to pass back out again. I finally woke up at 10am and have been hibernating on the couch all day long. I can't do much more due to the delicate situation my stomach is experiencing.
Bottom line, I know what it feels like now: I was cheated on. Technically I wasn't, as I could have been promiscuous and chose to sleep with someone else in the fragile days after a breakup, but I'm not like that. I had my time in Florida and it was fun but the behavior disgusts me now. Sex is something special shared between two people that love each other. I cheated before and the repercussions didn't hit me much, but now; now I know what it's like to be on the other side of the tracks. It fucking sucks. I'm not sure whether I should just let it go or continue to dwindle on it a bit more. I guess because I'm not crying about it now, I'm healing. Still, Dudley knew I was in a delicate emotional state, and you can't hide secrets like that, especially when you drink! If he was any kind of decent human that still cared about my feelings, he wouldn't have done that. And Alisa - speak for herself! I thought I wanted to be friends with her, and her the same with me! FUCKING SLUT. Why would you do that to one of your girlfriends? Whatever happened to "sisters before misters"? I'm pretty sure it's an unwritten law to never sleep with your girlfriend's ex-boyfriend, I don't care how attractive he might be. She messed up, big time, and so did he.
There's a work meeting tomorrow night. I want to call her out on her actions. And never talk to her again.
Am I promoted and out of that store yet? Is Dudley in Texas yet?

2006-09-19T21:46:00.000-07:00

It actually went the way I wanted it to.
I went on an 8 mile run yesterday, the farthest I've ever run in one session. The whole time I got to think about this big mess I've put myself in. In the end, I decided it was all so silly, and that I'm just going to laugh at myself in the end about all my behavior and how I put myself through all this useless stress. But hey, it's a way to deal with it, and it sucks, but there's no other way I know how to deal with it. I'm going to hurt and only time can heal.
Anyways, I wanted to share some positive thoughts with him yesterday and called him, but reached his voicemail. I knew he was working, but that maybe he didn't answer because I had delivered some harsh words only a few hours ago. He called back a couple hours later but I had gone to bed.
I didn't count on him to call me back today, so I called him and shared my thoughts:
I'm very proud of him for taking this big step in his life, as well as taking responsibility for himself. He's picking a direction. Some people at this age have no idea what they want to do with their life, I'm lucky I figured it out at 22. He may have not figured it out at 25, but he's doing something about it to help himself out at 25. Some people still don't do that. I support him 100% and have his back, I will be there for him. Even though the phone calls may be few and far in between, they will still be made and I will still hear from him. I won't call him, he'll have to call me. I'm sure they don't allow cell phones in military barracks.
I'm healing.
Alisa and I made dinner tonight. Fried eggplant with mozzarella and marinara and steamed asparagus and carrot cake rice cream. I haven't eaten that much but I didn't run today. I will run tomorrow.
I'm healing.

Is it the 22nd yet?

2006-09-18T01:10:00.000-07:00

Why do I let him get to me?
I fucking hate his guts right now. My thoughts are all in a jumble and it's keeping me awake. I may be awake til 3AM or later, who knows. I want to wake up at 8AM so I can go for a run. I'm not sure that's going to happen. I already have a headache thinking about it on top of what I've been thinking about already.
I fucking hate him and I want to tell him to go to hell.
I hate how he flirts with every single girl...and in front of me to boot! Last Friday at Rosie's I had to force myself to look away when I saw him get up and pull Ashley up to dance. It was short, but still, very flirty. Doesn't he have any respect for me? I've told him over and over and over again how I still have feelings for him and how crappy he makes me feel when he does this to me. Alisa has had to tell him this too, because, after all, they ARE "best friends." I fucking hate that term. Why did he have to move in on her right as she started working at our store? All of this time, I have a feeling that he never did care for me or like me. He is destined to remain single and flirt with girls. Twenty years from now he will have a beer gut, still trying to flirt with girls our age, and will be miserably single for the rest of his life.
This headache is getting worse. And I need another cigarette.
I want to cry but I have to force myself to be a big girl because I've cried more than I ever wanted to over our relationship and ex-relationship.
I even tried to not call him. That turned into dialing his number and then hanging up as soon as I heard the other end ring. I tried leaving my phone off and at home for a couple days. I tried lying, saying that I had lost my phone, but when I texted him an hour ago saying that I had found my phone and that "WE NEED TO TALK," I knew it was useless. I'm a spineless jellyfish - I can't let go of him. That's why I'm really really REALLY looking forward to Thursday - when he takes a bus to L.A. to visit with friends and family before he goes to Texas. Loser - he's taking the bus. I really don't want to think or talk about or to this jerk anymore because I'm sick of it! I've talked about everything with him and about him! Enough is enough! There's nothing more to interrogate or read into! I can't wait until he leaves - I want him out of my life. It'll be much easier for me to heal when I don't have to think about him everyday because I have the opportunity to talk and see him everyday. He'll be in the next state over, being way too busy and having a ball living it up before he gets the ol' military ball and chain strapped to his ankle. Far be it for me to throw anymore drama in his face. Because that drama does come back to me and I'm tired of it.
I just want to go to sleep! I may be more stressed now about falling asleep sooner than I am about him. He makes me sick. He makes me smoke. He makes me stressed. He makes me sad. He makes me mad. He makes me confused. He makes me jealous. He makes me depressed. He makes me think too hard. He makes me read too deep into situations. He makes me want to rip out my hair. He makes me want to slap him.
Thursday, please come sooner than later. I really want him to feel sorry for what he's done to me. I can't believe I believed him when he said he'd protect me and always care for me. What a fuckin' douchebag liar. I can't trust him. Ever. He will always be a little boy.
Times like these make me want to reject food in every form. Then maybe I could get skinnier.
I fucking hate you Dudley. Go to hell. I hope your Dad finds the Guinness in your fridge so he bans you from home and that you can never return. Then I hope you come groveling to me asking for help and a temporary roof on your head, and because karma's a bitch, I will turn you away. Fuck you. You make my heart hurt. You make my eyes cry. You turn my smile upside-down. You make me want to kick and scream like a little Gucci pig (whatever that means). And now, you're making me tired by keeping me awake, thinking about all this, and you're making my wrist hurt because I had to type all of this.
There is no blaming me. It's all your God-damned fault.

Reconstruction

2006-09-11T13:47:00.000-07:00

Ultimately, I am feeling better.
Dudley never called me back, like he promised. I can forgive him for that. He is a forgetful person anyway. I called him this morning but reached his voicemail. Hopefully he will call me back today. If not, then maybe he's a changed person. I've changed for the better but he hasn't given me a chance to proove it yet.
Anyhow, I called Alisa after I tried calling him. Turns out she wasn't mad at me at all - she was mad at Dudley because he was too drunk to get into Margarita Rocks for dancing, and that's all Alisa wanted to do was dance!! I didn't expect that answer at all. She understood why I broke out crazy like I did the other night, but I still felt the need to apologize for halting the good times we were having. She was also mad at Dudley for talking on the phone with Christina because he had been talking for a long time and she knew it was going to upset me.
It's funny how he only calls and talks to her when he's drunk. Doesn't that say something?
But I'm very very happy that Alisa isn't mad at me. I feel like I know her well enough that she wouldn't say she was mad at Dudley instead of me just to spare my feelings. We're women, we're Cancers, we've been burned by love. I feel that maybe Friday night might have seemed to put some dirt on the friendship, but something got planted in that dirt. Somethings going to grow in that dirt - a strong, bonded, wonderful friendship. I look forward to having that with Alisa. We've already made plans to go out dancing on Thursday night. Izzy wants to go salsa dancing but I guess he, Alisa, and Dannin went on Saturday night and Alisa didn't like getting picked up by the short, kinda fat, VERY Mexican guys there. Yuck, I wouldn't like that either. So maybe we'll try to convince Izzy to come with us to Margarita Rocks or somewhere in Scottsdale to dance.
I really do feel better. Maybe I'll feel even more better when Dudley calls. Or maybe I won't. In the past, I usually haven't felt better when he called. I dont' want to oust him, but I somewhat want to cut him out of parts of my life. Just to kill the pain on the spot.
I almost can't wait for September 22nd. He's going out to California then to visit with friends before he goes off to Boot Camp. Then he'll come back to Phoenix on October 9th, I think. And go to San Antonio on October 17th. That's in another month. I almost can't wait. It'll be better once he's gone. For the both of us.

I can't end this without writing about the dream I had last night, in anticipation of him calling me, when he didn't:
I was spending time with him at his Dad's house, and his dad was about to come home. Dudley wanted me to leave, but I stayed anyway. His dad felt obligated to invite me to stay for dinner, and by then Dudley's sister was over there. They had hamburgers, and by the time they were all done eating I was still putting condiments on my burger. I was sitting on one side of the table, Dudley sat at the opposite end of the table, next to him was his sister, and next to his sister and across from me was his Dad. I hurried up to finish after they cleared the table. They were all watching television in the living room when I finally cleared my plate. Then Dudley, his sister Sheila, and I went for a drive.
Dudley didn't really talk to me and neither did Sheila - they were both upset with me and what I'd done to Dudley. Sheila was driving and Dudley and I were in the backseat. As a last attempt for forgiveness, I made Dudley cookies, but he didn't want any. Sheila stopped the car in a neighborhood I didn't recognize, and her and Dudley went inside - they were staying with their aunt and I had nowhere to go. So I went to the airport to fly back home, but when I got there, I had my perfume in my carryon. The airport didn't allow any liquid chemicals in carryon bags because of the attempted England terrorist attacks. I was upset and was forced to throw it away.

Kim

How many times does this blog have the word "emotion" in it?

2006-09-10T22:01:00.000-07:00

I just might keep myself up all night trying to decide what to do.
I know what I have to do, but my heart tells me otherwise.
The pain that I'm experiencing is something that I'm causing myself - I have nobody to blame. People might hurt me, but whether I choose to suffer or not is my choice. I can't blame it on the person that hurt me. I may suffer a great deal because in general, it's a part of the healing process. However, I should not bring people down with me. Like I told myself before - I might throw myself a pity party, but nobody is going to come to it.
I definitely have a few apologies to dish out, but I feel they may not be enough. But that's all I have left to give. I have nothing. I have hit rock bottom. All I can give is a sincere apology and a promise to attempt to change myself for the better. Whether people accept my apology or not is up to them. Hopefully these people will be stronger and wiser than I have been lately and choose to accept my apology. It might be awkward at first, but it will teach me a lesson.
I used to live a life full of no regrets. I might have wanted to regret something in my past but forced myself to not only not regret my decision, but to look at it as a challenge and a lesson learned (if I learned it at that point in time). Well, two nights ago, might be my first regret. I don't regret going out and having fun, because I did have some fun. I do regret drinking. Drinking is not my problem, I can be responsible with it, but did I choose to be responsible with alcohol? No. I drank for emotional reasons. Thank God I didn't lose control, drinking-wise. Emotionally-wise, I lost it...oh, maybe three years ago, who knows. But it keeps creeping back to my heart and I lose it again, like I did Friday night. I regret drinking emotionally, because when I do, I act out emotionally. Over-emotionally. I've decided that I'm the most emotionally destructive human being when I emotionally drink. I'm already hurt to begin with, but when I kill myself slowly with those Long Island Ice Teas, I start to kill those around me. I get angry and then have to drag the innocent bystanders onto my side, but I'm the only one playing for my team. In the end, I feel horrible. I know what I've done. I've thrown down hurtful words and was brutally honest. Brutal being the key word. In the end, I feel horrible, and the people I've hurt feel horrible too. That's something that can definitely be avoided.
I guess I didn't learn my lesson the first time. The first time, I emotionally drank and it caught up with me. Subconcious thoughts went spewing from my mouth and I couldn't stop it. Word vomit is a definite phrase to word it all. I hurt someone. But I wonder if things that I said when drunk should become null and void the next morning? Probably not. That's one of the many consequences of drinking more than you can handle. Hopefully I will learn my lesson this time. I want to vow to never drink again, but I want to make it official and do it in front of the founder of AA or something.
Anybody that reads this more than likely assumes I'm melodramatic. You're right, but...this is how I think. I can't help it. I'm over-analytical of just about everything. I'm a woman. I'm a Cancer. I've been burned by love. I'm not sure what other excuse to throw out there to back up my reasoning for wearing the Drama Queen crown. I want to resign my position, I really do, but nobody is more fit for the position than I.
Anyway, I've been thinking today. In order to move on from my current emotional pain, I have to decide that I won't allow Dudley to hurt me anymore. He doesn't do anything and he still hurts me, but I can't let that hurt me anymore. We're broken up, we'll never get back together. In the words of MacBeth, "What's done is done." Once I allow myself freedom from that emotional misery, I can be happy again. And maybe, just maybe, him and I can be...friends. Ex-boyfriends and girlfriends cannot be friends with each other until they are completely and emotionally over each other. Then can be emotionally friendly, but not emotionally in love. Besides, I think it's better to have a friend than to have nothing at all. And the way I've been, I don't blame anyone for not wanting to be my friend. I scare people.
I need to let go of the jealousy. He will like Christina more than me because she's probably a very nice girl and has no insecurities about her body or her relationship status, whereas I've been the complete opposite.
Here's why I'm jealous and insecure: I don't consider myself pretty. I'm a girl, and by American societal standards, we will never be pretty enough. Once guys start dating fat girls regularly, we'll be more confident, but until then...this is what we have to deal with. We can blame men for our insecurities because we fear they will always pick the prettier, easier girl to be with than pick us for our valuable qualities. So because I don't consider myself pretty, I'm afraid that my mate will have wandering eyes and see something better he likes. The wandering eyes I cannot stop, so when they land on someone else and he starts talking to them, I make immediate assumptions that he wants to be with her and not me anymore, making me extremely jealous. What does she have that I don't? Then I become more insecure about myself when I compare my flaws to the enemy's perfections. And that people, is why I'm insecure and jealous.
But maybe, just maybe, I can drop the insecurity. Who CARES what other women think of me? If I have a tummy pooch, big freaking deal. If I think it's cute, that's all that should matter. Because if I think something is cute on me, it shows in my smile, and I radiate confidence. People notice confidence, and then flash forward over a few assumptions, those people might become jealous of MY confidence. But should I care? No, because I like me for me, and I'm confident, and that's all that should matter. What I think about myself, not what others think about me.
It's okay to be a little jealous - I figure somebody will always have something I want or will never get. But I shouldn't let it bother me. I should be happy with what I have or what I can get. If it's something I'll never get, I should get over it and move on with my life. Why sweat the small stuff? We have one life to live and we should make the best of it. This means I should get over worrying about having small breasts. At least I've got a good butt. :)
I think I feel better. This is the first of many for me. I still have to apologize to those three people. I still feel humiliated about my behavior and how I treated them, but when it comes to facing them, I have to swallow my pride and give it my all. Because all I have left to give is my sincere apology. I'm tired of hurting people and I'm tired of hurting myself.
It all comes back down to me.
Kind of a Catch-22. All of this pain does come back down to me because I'm the one feeling it and putting it on other people's shoulders, but it sounds egotistical because I'm saying it is all about me. Well, in this case, it's true. But I mean it in the least egotistical way.
It will be hard and dirty, the emotional healing. But time doesn't stop for anything, and soon enough, I hope, things will get better. I will heal and be a better Kim. A better Kim is a better everyone. Because I wear my heart on my sleeve, people see my emotions. If I'm happy, they're happy.
Let's get happy. Right now.

"Emotion" word count: 14.

Oops I did it AGAIN

2006-09-09T18:27:00.000-07:00

So I did it again.
I got drunk and became super psycho.
Let me just clear my name right now, that I only get super psycho when drunk around DUDLEY. Because he has to go off and talk talk talk on his damn cell phone with CHRISTINA. Now...why can't he talk talk talk on his cell phone with ME? So what if you see me everyday.
I kinda wish someone had a video camera and taped all my actions and outbursts yesterday just so I would be forced to watch it over and over again today to see how much of a fuck-up I am.
Him and Alisa and I made a night out in Tempe last night. We started at Ra for some sushi and sake bombers. I was a little upset earlier with Dudley because I wanted to be AT Ra at 7pm but he wasn't ready UNTIL 7pm. So we picked up Alisa and went there. Once I had a drink I kinda loosened up and tried to forget about the whole thing - we were there and we were there to have fun. I left the waiter's Alisa's phone number because she thought he was cute - hopefully he's not a psycho stalker and calls her. Hopefully he nice and calls her or hopefully he doesn't call her at all and I can save the worrying. One of those two. Then we headed over to Big Bang. I really should have pulled a move like Alisa did and kept my credit cards in the car.
We stood up in the Pit at BB for almost an hour until a table cleared in the front. Israel and had joined us by then and we were having a good ol' time. I decided to have a few drinks (Long Islands of course). Met a guy at the bar one time, looked for him the second time but he was gone. We all danced and had a good time. We closed out about midnight or so - my receipt said I wanted to be charged $20 total including tip but my bank statement this morning is saying $40 so I will have to call and complain to BB.
We walked to find bathrooms and water and then tried getting into Margarita Rocks, but when they asked Dudley to spell his last name, he spelled it wrong or too slow and wouldn't let him in. We kept walking around and pretty much what happened was what happened last time, but Alisa and Israel were there to witness it. I cried and had a cow, of course. Dudley and I stayed aside from Alisa and Israel and we proceeded to fight and I cried. Then we walked back. At one point I yelled out "I'm beautiful!" because I felt Dudley didn't think so, and some random guys on the street heard me and I went and talked to them. They invited me to go wherever they were going but I wasn't that drunk to follow complete strangers. I went back to Alisa and Israel, Dudley was in the bathroom. I talked and cried to Israel, but only for a little bit. Then Alisa came and talked to me, but I was so embarrased because I hated her seeing me like this, and I felt like I fucked up our friendship by breaking down like that and just being a complete twit about the whole situation. Yet, I did pour my heart out, but I also said I was DD and broke that deal. She ended up having Israel drive her home, and I would have done the same, although Dudley and I got home fine.
Basically I feel like shit today. I'm not hungover at all, but I'm feeling reflective about last night's events. Israel texted me asking if we got home okay, and I told him we did but that I was worried they were upset with how I acted last night, and I was worried I'd soiled my friendship with Alisa. He said to not worry and that it wasn't a big deal at all, and that Alisa said she was wondering the same thing about me, about our friendship. When I see her again I'll have to apologize and by her lunch or offer babysitting or something. I just feel so terrible about putting my friends through that crap. It's unnecessary.
Now I've definitely ruined the relationship, whatever was left that existed, between Dudley and I. It's definitely all over. No more friendship, no more sex, no more phone calls, no more anything. It's best that I just completely cut that string that was barely holding us together. I don't want to put him through anymore of my emotional and insecure turmoil.
I NEED TO GET OVER IT!!!

Kim

Bad Dream

2006-09-04T16:56:00.000-07:00

I had a dream that Dudley and I were fighting. We were fighting so bad that I made myself sick and nearly missed the toilet. Then all this stuff started coming out, like old nose rings that I had lost in the past. I tried to clean it up but it just wasn't happening. Dudley and I went outside and he started walking home but I kept begging him to please talk to me. Then my parents (not my real ones, but the ones in the dream) yelled for me to get back inside and clean up my mess or Dudley wouldn't talk to me ever again and neither would they. I chose to clean it up and just had to bring a few things outside to hose off. Nothing was getting clean though.
Then I ended up walking in this airport terminal/New York subway, looking for Dudley. I got to a point where I was in Canada and needed Canadian stamps to send a couple letters. The machine only took quarters and all I had was a pocketful of dimes. I kept walking and saw Dudley out of the corner of my eye doing his laundry with a studygroup of friends. I wanted him to notice me so I started to walk a little heavier but he didn't notice me.
I went back upstairs and saw a set of stairs that led down to the subway level, and decided to go down there. Right as I turned the corner, I saw Dudley out of the corner of my eye and he saw me too and looked like he thought about following me. I went down to the subway but came back up and walked outside. All these people started throwing watermelons at my team but I didn't want to throw watermelons at their team because someone I liked was on my team and I wanted to be nice to the other team so they would stop throwing watermelons at us. I don't remember if Dudley was on a team, he was probably just watching us.

I think I had this dream because I tried calling him before I took a nap and he didn't call back until after my nap.

Sobriety

2006-08-25T15:05:00.000-07:00

Usually, people learn from their mistakes, right? But I guess we keep testing our limits, seeing how far we can push ourselves, physically and emotionally. The results of my actions last night pushed me so emotionally far I could have been swimming in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
I had ten Rum and Cokes last night, made by me. Cheap Bacardi knock-off and Diet Pepsi. I had six before I cut myself off and started my drunk phone calls. Talked to Lars for over an hour and had eight glasses of water. Finally Dudley called and said Armando was dropping him off soon. I had some drinks, and those drinks turned into three.
The rest of the night is pretty much a blur, but basically, I had an emotional breakdown and one last drink. I think I've realized, that whenever I drink, every thought that lies in my subconscious comes roaring out of my tiger mouth. The only topics of conversation I remember were talking about Christina, my jealousy, and how it might have been a mistake that Dudley and I broke up. Just a night gone wrong. A night that I just wanted to sit and drink and maybe play some Nintendo turned into emtional turmoil.
The only good thing to result from last night...I drank enough water to where I didn't have a hangover this morning. But I feel like I still woke up a little buzzed. And I looked at my messy apartment. I got angry last night and became violent - I broke a picture frame that had a picture of Dudley and I. There were Diet Pepsi cans everywhere. I found a stain on the carpet. I felt so ashamed this morning. I couldn't even look at Dudley. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. Things between Dudley and I will never be the same.
I think I just need to separate myself from him, for awhile anyway. No more calling or text messaging him. Keep our relationship strictly platonic - NO SEX. Yeah, we had sex again this morning.
I also need to make a decision. I hate the way I behave when I drink. I'm not sure if it's the particular kind of alcohol I'm consuming, but lately, I become angry and over-emotional. The past two nights I drank because I was stressed out. Stressed because of work and my pending relationship status with Dudley and training for the half marathon. I had to numb the pain but I overdid it. I need to look for healthier options than drinking. That's the first step, is recognizing I have the problem. My next step - I dumped all the bottles of alcohol I had in the freezer down the drain. I left Dudley's bottle of whiskey, and he still has all his cans of Guinness, but I don't touch either of those.
I'd like to elaborate more but I think I just want to think about what I did last night. I didn't like myself at all. I'm a horrible person for it and feel so ashamed.
Next week when Lars is in town, I will go out with everyone, but I won't drink. I'll even be the DD. I'll just sip Diet Coke. I don't even want to drink beer. I have no desire whatsoever to go through what I put myself through last night ever again. I want to be happy. I want to feel forgiveness and acceptance of others. I want to free myself from my emotional scars. Time to grab the Mederma because hopefully those scars will slowly disappear...forever. And I can learn to love myself and others again.
Maybe I'll have a Dairy Queen Blizzard tonight. Maybe :) After I finish cleaning up my apartment.

Strike that, reverse it....

2006-08-23T19:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, I do remember a time where I was as stressed as I was today. The only other thing that brings much such stress is ... money.
Last December, I decided to give my car some new parts. The breaks were squealing so bad, so I got them replaced. Just Brakes offered a deal for less than $100. I'm no car aficionado, so I thought this was a pretty good deal. When they examined my car, my breaks were riding on it's last breath. All four of them. Plus they had to replace a few other things, I don't remember the whole diagnosis, I've tried to block it from my memory. But I do remember the bill adding up to over $700. I HATE spending that much money. I whined about it over happy hour with Lars at Ruby Tuesdays and he dropped me back off at Just Brakes to get my car. But the mechanics couldn't put my hood down all the way, and said something about how I needed to get the striker on my car repaired (a striker is the thing on the bottom of your car's front hood that clasps shut when you slam the hood down). So I had to drive home real slow and prevent the hood from flying up and me getting into a car accident.
It was dark by then and I was nearly in tears when I explained my day to my roommate. I'd heard how people use alcohol to inhibit their stress, so that's just what I did - I took a shot of vodka. And I took it back hard. It didn't help but it was a psychosomatic effect and helped take my mind off of my car temporarily. Then I messed around with the hood on my car and got it to clasp shut with the striker in place. Thank God.
Later that month I had to get new shocks and struts and two new tires.
But now, I think I'm going to have a drink. A Rum and Coke, if you will. Except I have white rum and Diet Pepsi. So that'll have to do. Maybe it'll continue to numb the pain for the night.

Ever had one of "those" kinds of days?

2006-08-23T19:23:00.000-07:00

I just did today.
I can't pinpoint a time in my life where I've felt more stress, anxiety, and overwhelmed in one day.
Sometimes 8 hours in a workday is not enough. I'm the kind of worker bee that works efficiently and quickly - I'm good at my job. I'm well-trained and pass that knowledge and ethic onto my other worker bees. I influence others around me to care about their job and have fun at work. However, today, I could have put in a twelve hour day and still not get it all done.
I got to train with management again, and was more comfortable with doing the morning manifest paperwork. I just needed a "babysitter" nearby in case I had any questions and wanted to confirm that what I was doing was the correct way to do it. I managed to handle it all and finish it in two hours, just like last time. However, I still had to take my break (thank God), write two orders, and do two hours of register. I had three hours to do this.
Before I took my break, I had to stick around to finish the paperwork, when I was just so antsy that it showed in my face and my attitude. I was at a point where I had enough of the training. You can't throw it all on me in one session because then I'll become super frustrated. I already am super frustrated because I have to be fully trained within the next 13 days. Less than two weeks. September 3rd. I don't know, folks.
After my break, I did one hour of register and prayed that my next hour of register I wouldn't have to be on it. I only had to be on it for about ten minutes, but I felt pressed for time. I got my first order written and punched, and had time to write and punch my second order. I even had enough time to sit down and talk with one of my training mentors. While I waited for him, I took time to sit down and calm down. My breathing had become irregular at that point and my chest felt tight. I started to shake a bit. Finally, my mentor came in. He had been gone for a week and wanted to catch up on my training, and we reviewed what else I would be going over for the rest of the week, and what I would be touching upon next week.
I was finally done with work for the day, and clocked out. I decided to hang out in the breakroom for a bit and try to relax and calm down. I still had to go to the gym and workout, but my heart wasn't in it. I was feeling so stressed that maybe a day off wouldn't hurt me too much. I left about twenty minutes later and decided to head to the bookstore to get some new reading material. I've read "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" about three times now and need something refreshing. I also had to see Dudley, so I called him to meet me there.
I still couldn't stop shaking or get my breathing rate normalized. He helped me pick out two new books but seemed genuinely concerned about my health at that moment. I walked him back to work when I started to dig through my pocket for my keys - THEY WEREN'T THERE. I panicked and nearly lost it. I got to my car and saw my keys sitting right there on the driver's seat. I walked back up to Dudley by the door to work and let some tears spill. This much stress on a 22 year old is not healthy whatsoever.
I went inside and grabbed a phonebook to look for a locksmith. Gary offered me his AAA card so I can get my keys retrieved for free instead of paying a $100 fine. I thought I'd call my Dad first and see if he had the spare keys to my car. He came by work with two different sets (because my mother has a Mustang too) and the first one we tried WORKED. Before he came by I prayed to God that my Dad would have the spare set. Thank you, God, so much.
I decided to not work out at all today. Usually exercise helps relieve stress, but since I'm stressed about keeping up on my training for the half marathon, today's workout may have not helped my situation much.
I hope I'll be okay tomorrow. I'm not sure if I should go out with Amy, like I suggested to her last week. Maybe I'll send her a text. Tomorrow, I just want to try and take it easy at work, go to the gym next door and run and strength train for a bit, come home, and maybe, just maybe, Dudley will still want to come over after he gets off work. I'll even make him a simple late-night diner-style dinner. That sounds kinda fun- cheeseburger or patty-melt and french fries. It's possible.
Speaking of Dudley......I sent him an email last night. It was a heartfelt, deep letter detailing my fears and expressing my true love for him. His response? "I MISS YOU ALREADY. Love Dudley." Boys will be boys, but the response was sorta cute to say the least.
I still don't know how the next month is going to go...

bicycle...bicycle...flat tire

2006-08-22T16:32:00.000-07:00

The rain stopped and I let Dudley borrow my car so he could meet up with his dad for lunch. I figured if anything happened when I rode my bicycle today, such as getting too tired or getting a flat tire, I could call him and he'd pick me up with my bike.
I got my gear - my Camelbak, my iPod, and my sunglasses. I looked professional, I was just missing the helmet. Oh well. It was a steady route downhill. I got to ride downtown. Unfortunately there were no bike lanes on the street so I had to use the sidewalk and yell at the pedestrians that my presence was right on their heels. But I had good tunes, it was overcast so it wasn't hot, and I got my cross-training workout. It took me 50 minutes to ride a little over 8 miles. I wanted to do it in 90 minutes or less.
I thought near the end of my trip to work my backside seemed bouncier than usual. So when I finally pulled up to the gym next door to my work, I saw that my back tire was completely flat. Great. Good thing I let Dudley take my car! I called him and asked him to come pick me up. I thought I'd hang out at my work's breakroom until then, but all my managers were having a meeting. Perfect timing.
Dudley came and got me, and I dropped him off back at his place. He still kissed me goodbye. :)
I talked to my brother's girlfriend, Coreen, about the bike. She was excited that I'm getting into bike riding. She also told me I just needed the back tire tube to be replaced, and because I just bought the bike, it should go on Target's bill. So I'll call them or go there Friday with my bike problem.

Non-bike revelation that should have been put in my last entry: Dudley said he would be going out to California next month to visit his friends before he left for boot camp in October. I assumed it was just for a few days but it may turn into a month. I read a message on his Myspace that I shouldn't have read. But he was still logged in on my computer so it's not entirely my fault. He was writing a message to his friend Christina (and I saw that he had typed "I MISS YOU SO MUCH," which made me sad) and he told her that he was planning on going out there from September 15-October 15. Usually what Dudley says, he doesn't usually do, so it may turn out he won't go for the entire month. But it wouldn't surprise me if he did. He said that boot camp is a couple of months long, and then he has tech training. Both could last together as long as four months or so. He'll be back for Christmas. He may be stationed at Luke AFB. He said if it all went like that, then we could be together, but if it didn't work out that way, he doesn't want me to wait for him, especially if I have the opportunity to share my life with someone else. He wants me to be happy. And even though I didn't say it, I feel the same for him. If he finds someone that makes him happy, I want him to pursue it. I just don't want it to be Christina!
I do believe him when he says he'll never forget me, and that he'll think of me everyday. I'm just not ready for him to leave yet.

Life never ceases to amaze me

2006-08-22T14:50:00.000-07:00

Dudley came over last night. I drove to work to pick him up and chatted with Linda, Phil, and Armando for a little before we left. I had every intention of picking up a bottle of rum or vodka and drinking the night away. I also had the secret intention of having sex with Dudley. But the night went towards a different direction, and had I gone through with my sexual endeavor, it might have ruined the whole night.
We had a few mixed drinks and I learned a few things I never thought Dudley would confess. It definitely had to be some of the rum talking, but after two or three big mixed drinks, I learned this: His relationship with me was his second longest, and his longest was 9 months. His last girlfriend screwed him over so he still felt burned by it. He admitted that we were both doing better without each other. I said maybe it was because the pressure was off.
On that note, I do feel happier. I feel happier that I'm not spying on his Myspace, and that the pressure is off because there isn't a relationship to worry about. I feel happier because I'm not trapped in heartache. I have lost the right to scold him for hurting me. He can flirt all he wants and it doesn't need to affect me anymore because we don't have an intimate relationship. I'm also happy that he still wants to be friends with me. If I had lost him altogether, I would not be happier. So him hanging out with me last night made me happy.
I didn't want the night to be emotional. I just wanted to share stories and humor and watch mindless late-night television shows. But Dudley opened up to me and finally told me everything I knew he was feeling that I wanted to hear. I was the first one he told when he found out what day he was leaving for the Air Force boot camp in Texas. He told me that even though he'll be gone, he'll still think of me everyday. He told me he was scared of where he was going and what he was going to do and what was going to happen to him. He didn't want me to see, but I refused to let go of his hand, because I wanted to feel the connection: he cried. He didn't want me to see it, but I could feel it because I refused to let go of holding him.
The time that he's known me and spent with me, he's seen a side of me that nobody else sees. And by nobody else, I mean people at work. I have different personalities for each environment I'm in. I adapt to the environment itself (for example I'm at a basketball game, I wear a home team jersey and drink a beer and yell at the players, simple). I've made such an impact on his life. And it goes deeper than that and I wish I could have vocally recorded our three hour long conversation and share the important pieces here. But whether I remember it word for word, the thoughts and actions are permanently tattooed in my mind and on my heart.
I let myself surrender to my feelings last night. As bad as it could have been, it felt okay. I let him kiss me, and I kissed him back. It was passionate. I hadn't felt that passion between us since the innocent lust we had in the beginning of our relationship. Of course, he stayed over.
I woke up to rain, which was kind of nice and it set the tone for the morning, even if it meant I couldn't ride my bike to work. Dudley woke up too, and got romantically frisky. It felt very nice and made me wonder why it didn't feel as great when we were together. Maybe because I felt annoyed by his constant mood of feeling horny? Whatever the reason, I wish I could change. But I cannot change the past. I just let him do what he wanted because it felt too nice to stop. It felt right.
We made love and it was good. Most would look down on my actions and tell me that I lead him on. No. This was right. It's one of those situations where acting upon an action that falls in a gray area is right. White meant we shouldn't have done it, black meant we should have done it; both areas having proper benefits and consequences. Our actions fell directly in the middle of the gray area. We may not be together but we still do love each other. And I trust that he isn't messing around with another woman. He respects me and loves me enough to not taint my friendship.
"Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone?" Very true.

And one last little life lesson to learn: I thought I learned this 12 years ago but I guess not. Don't eat a bag of gummi bears/worms/what-have-you in the span of 12 hours unless you really enjoy the effects laxatives have on the body. This also pertains to eating sugar-free chocolate as well.

Running...on empty?

2006-08-21T18:37:00.000-07:00

So I've begun week 5 of my half-marathon training. And I feel like I haven't made much progress. But when I put the facts together, I have. I just put a lot on myself to succeed and succeed well at everything I do.
Why do I not feel like I haven't made any progress? I'm not able to run too long distances at one time without stopping to walk. Inside a gym on a treadmill, I can do at least 4-6 miles running at a 6.0 or 6.5 mile-per-hour pace before I stop to walk. Outside, I try to do at least half of my route before I stop to walk. So far, it's been 2-2.5 miles before I stop to walk, usually running at the same pace as I would on the treadmill.
But when I really think about it, I HAVE made progress. I've stuck by my training routine, which is working out 6 days a week, four of those include running. I started "running" when I was a freshman in high school 8 years ago. I would only do about 1.2 miles around my neighborhood about once a week, if that. Then I progressed to five miles a week my junior year. I only remember running 3 miles without stopping once. Then I entered myself in my first 5K - the Race For The Cure in October 2003. For the next couple of years I would run off and on but wouldn't make it a good habit. In 2004 I was asked to be a lifeguard on a college internship so I spent that summer swimming and training for that. Then in 2005, I tried the Race For The Cure again. A few weeks later, I completed my first 10K. A co-worker of mine invited me to do a Turkey Trot that Thanksgiving. She and I bonded over running, and she sort of became my inspiration - that girl was in shape and so energetic. She gave me some running brochures, and I decided on a whim and to make it a goal to run a half marathon this year. The months passed and I kept telling myself to get my butt into the gym, but the half-marathon still seemed a good distance in time away. Finally, it was three months away. If I wanted to prevent injury and approach this half marathon in a healthy way, I had to train properly. So for the past 5-6 weeks, I've put my butt on that treadmill (not literally) and put myself through all this. Don't get me wrong - I love to run. But it's almost like I hate it at the same time, because it's tough and exhausting. But when I've accomplished my running goal for the day, I feel so ful-filled. It's a goal worth working for.
Unfortunately, I haven't lost weight. But I think, fortunately, I have lost fat weight. Fat weighs less than muscles, and I've gained muscle, so that's why I haven't lost weight. I've read so many times that it's not what the scale reads, but how you look and feel about yourself. I'm feeling accomplished.
I hate to cut this short, but I have to wash my mint julep face mask off before the power goes out. There's a huge thunderstorm rolling in and I have to get all my night duties done before the power goes out, if it does.
Maybe I'll be able to elaborate more on my "running" thoughts later...

Big Bang...BIG BANG!!! (part 2)

2006-08-16T19:32:00.000-07:00

I've always believed that God had a plan for me. Whenever something bad happens, his reasoning is to teach me a lesson. Whenever something good happens, I've cashed in some of my karma points. Yesterday, God taught me a lesson. Today, I cashed in karma points for a priceless gift: an answer to a year-long question I had.
My best friend, Morgan, and I, haven't been on great terms lately. Morgan is my best friend that I met while doing a Disney internship as a lifeguard at a waterpark two years ago. We clicked like a lightswitch and had an amazing friendship and time together in Florida. All good things must come to an end, so when our internship was over, I went back home to Arizona and she stayed in Florida to work and be with her boyfriend she met there. A year later, I flew out to visit for a week, but my visit was ill-timed. A week before my visit, one of her closest friends died in a drunk driving accident, and she flew home to Rochester, New York, for the weekend. I made an inappropriate comment about my visit in correlation with her flying to New York that caused major tension in our friendship bind. Since that point, nothing had been the same.
As of the last four months or so, I've had trouble contacting Morgan. I'd call her every few days or every other week or so and just reach her voicemail. I think what finally got her to call me back was my urgent message proclaiming that I needed to talk to her and share something important with her concerning my relationship. She was my best friend and if there was any time I needed her, this was a time to cash in my best friend talk voucher.
Unfortunately, she called me back while I was driving to a showing of my co-workers photos downtown. But she promised to call me back the next day or the day after.
She didn't.
She sent me a note on Myspace (when I had Myspace) saying that she didn't really want to call me back anyway. So I sent her a note back asking what I did wrong because it was eating away at me that I didn't know. Something was up, and I wouldn't stop at anything until I heard the truth from the horse's mouth.
So I called her after work today and told her of the the events that happened between me and Dudley last night. Then she finally opened up to me, telling me why she was upset with me - it was about my comment towards her late friend, PJ. He died in a drunk driving accident. And when she'd read about my drunken experiences in my Myspace blogs, it'd disgust her. She hated seeing how I was putting myself in these vulnerable situations where I had no control over myself. Something could have happened to me, and it tore her to pieces thinking about those possibilities. She cried. And even though I felt her pain and anguish, I felt SO MUCH BETTER, now that I knew what was eating away at her.
We talked about this, and although my answers were not clear or morally right, I have a reasons for doing things. I like to get drunk, I think it's fun. And although Morgan might have thought so at a point in her life, it's not longer the route for her. And that's fine, I respect her for that decision. She doesn't need to respect my decision to drink, but I feel she does need to respect me as a person. I support her and want her to support me in return. What I can promise is that I will make a futile attempt to not let my drinking get out of control when I do drink. I make it sound like I drink everyday, but in reality, I get drunk (slightly or full-blown) about an average of once a month. I don't think that's a horrible amount, it's very fair for a 22-year-old.
But now she shed the light on me. She told me why she wanted almost nothing to do with me and my chosen lifestyle. I can't say that I blame her, but because she's my best friend and I'm hers, I expect her to be there to listen when I have something to say and share, and when I ask for advice, I expect honest answers. Why else would I confide in her? I trust her. She gives me her honest opinion and even if it's brutal, I would rather hear the truth from her than a lie. That would hurt more.
As far as I'm concerned, things are cleared up between us. We don't have to call each other everyday, but I would like to talk a least every few days. Share what's been going on, minor or major, in our everyday lives. She may be 2400 miles away, but a phone makes me feel like she's much closer.
Thank you, God, for allowing Morgan the power to be honest and open up to me. Thank you, Morgan, for your priceless friendship. You have no idea how much you mean to me, even if I don't show it like I should. Love is truly the greatest power of all.

Big Bang...BIG BANG!!!

2006-08-16T17:53:00.000-07:00

One day gone from that horrid Myspace website and here I am again, blogging. I suppose blogging is a regular part of my life. So was Myspace, but I honestly feel it came in between me and a personal relationship of mine.
Hi, my name is Kim, and for the last seven months I was in an interesting romantic relationship. But I felt more like a nagging mother to her child than a girlfriend for the last three months. As of yesterday, I am once again, a single woman.
He wasn't THAT great of a person to begin with. But, as usual, I had love goggles on. Those tend to fog up pretty badly when you're in too deep of a love puddle. Please, take my word for it.
I met this person at my workplace. I told myself to not become attracted to him, because, one time, in the past, the same thing happened, except the guy was attracted to me, and I allowed him to pursue me. Then we dated for almost two years and also worked at the same place during that time. Seeing the person you're dating inside AND outside of your working environment is probably the least healthy thing you can do to your relationship. So I should have learned that lesson, right? WRONG.
Before I go any further, the person I was trying to pick up on at work has a name. Yep, he does! It's Dudley. Please, save your snickering comments at the end of the blog.
Anyways, I found Dudley's Myspace. At the time it was probably the hip and trendy thing to do. Instead of Googling your potential dates, you Myspace them! Interesting concept, no? So I added him and for about a month we sent each other silly Myspace notes, mostly in the form of movie and song quotes.
One night I was already particularly wasted from sampling beers when I sent him a note. He was online, and we sent each other notes back and forth, and eventually, he called me and came over to have some beer with me. That story cut short, I was sick and he stayed over and needless to say it makes an interesting memory for a first date.
Our courtship was fun most of the time, especially in the beginning. We went and saw movies, went out to some fun college bars, and even ran in a 10K together. But things moved fast and heated up even faster, and of course, I fell. Hard. As usual. I would write in my diary and ask God why he didn't call me everyday. Why didn't he like me as much as I liked him?
Things got better though. He came around and eventually called me more often and even said "I love you" first. There, the deal was sealed, right? Well, sure. But along with me fallling in love really fast including me turning into the green eyed monster known as Miss Jealous.
He flirted with other girls at work, especially with one in particular. It made me cry, and I made sure he saw the tears. He got better at not flirting so much, especially in front of me.
But then I started checking up on him, assigning secret spies at my job. Some of my closer workmates would tease him about not treating me right. Hey, a girl's gotta get love somehow.
But then I'd also check for any signs on his Myspace. Anytime someone on his friends list sent him a comment, I'd go to their Myspace (pending that it was a public profile) and see if he left them a note. There was this particular girl, Christina, whom he'd leave flirty comments with occasionally. I should know that the comments were harmless, but I couldn't help it - she lives where he used to live and she was cute. Dudley likes cute girls. And by cute I mean young and act silly and adorable at the same time. Why else was he dating me? :)
Then things took a sour turn. Dudley felt he wasn't doing well in school and felt he had no other options in life, and decided that joining the Air Force was his best bet. What?!? What sparked this sudden decision? It threw me like a curveball, and it prevented me from falling any harder than I had at that point. I was at a love standstill. The plan was that he was leaving for Bootcamp in San Antonio, Texas, in November. And that this commitment was at least 2-5 years. So the relationship was already doomed. And instead of getting dumped or dumping him right away, what do I do? Try and spent as much time as possible with him, maybe even change his mind about leaving. A girl can dream, right?
Flash forward to two days ago. We spent the evening together and had a few drinks. My stomach was so full of liquid that I couldn't drink anymore but had a good buzz going for a few hours. He kept right on drinking. By then, my A/C had blown out and the heat was making me tired so I went to bed. He stayed up. The next morning, after I took him home, I checked my Myspace and his, and saw Christina left him a comment. I went to her page and he typed in caps, "I MISS YOU LIKE JOURNEY MISSES STEVE PERRY."
Now I know by now you're thinking, "Oh God Kim, stop being so silly and paranoid." I don't care what you think. Dudley had wandering eyes and a flirty persona, I didn't want to lose him to ANYONE. Because believe you me, I'm not all that hot. Or great, especially with the way I had been acting. It was time to do something. I couldn't go on living like this, nagging him constantly about not calling me and what not (trust me there were more problems I had with him besides him not calling me all I'd liked him to). He got annoyed with me more than often, and I got mad at him more than often. Something was wrong. Everything was wrong.
So I went to pick him up at work yesterday, Tuesday evening. This was the day I had planned on ending our relationship. He bought me a bouquet of yellow tulips. Oh great, that doesn't help me at all! Maybe I'll wait til next week to dump him. We went back to my place and I made dinner - pizza sandwiches. The last meal. I don't know what set it off, but he brought it up for the second time - how he always got annoyed with me and how I always got mad at him. So we decided it was the best for the both of us that we end the relationship. The thing that made me cry was me asking him, "If you knew you were feeling this way, and we both knew you were leaving in November anyway, why didn't you just do anything back when you knew what you were feeling?" Or maybe it went "If I knew I was feeling like this, and you knew you were feeling the same way, why didn't you just say anything in the first place?" I think that statement hit home for him, and I can't be 100% positive, but I'm sure that out of the corner of my eye, I saw him shed a few tears.
So we went into my bedroom and talked some more, and he held me. Now that I think about it, because he knew he had already hurt me and had finally realized the repercussions on the lack of his actions, he held me to comfort me. Just because the relationship was over didn't mean he didn't want to hang out with me anymore.
It'll be a little hard at first. I'll still keep my phone nearby in case he wants to call. And I'm sure there's still some tears to shed.
Speak of the devil...
Here come the tears!!
Alright, now I must try to distract myself. He still told me that just because it's over doesn't mean that he doesn't still want to be friends. And I told him that I hope he's true to his word because in the past I have had boyfriends say they still wanted to be friends, but after a short period of time I hardly heard from them again. That, and they really didn't want anything to do with me, despite my being a nice girl and giving them their space.
Bottom line, truthfully, I want Dudley to be happy. And I know he wants me to be happy. But we couldn't make each other happy like we wanted to be, so this relationship didn't happen at the right place and time. We both want different things. And it's better to find this out sooner than later so that no major mistakes are made.
I will always remember the first time we hung out - I was super drunk and became sick, he held my hair and stayed the night. The 10K we ran together. Our first night at the Big Bang together and hitting up Mill Avenue with heavy intoxication (along with an unpleasant run-in with a belligerent co-worker). Valentine's dinner. St. Patrick's Day - Flogging Molly concert with his best friend, Matt, in town. Movie dates. Having beers at Baby Kay's with some co-workers then going to see the Dave Chappelle movie, drunk. Disneyland on my birthday. Weekend in Las Vegas. The "Esteban" joke.
I do believe him when he says he still wants to be friends, and I think he will make a futile attempt to do so. We just have to go Dutch on dates, which works out to my benefit because I played the sugarmama role most of the time. I'm just afraid to be more hurt than I already am. Maybe he'll prove me wrong when people say that ex-boyfriends and girlfriend cannot be just friends afterwards.
Now...the sex opportunity, is lost but not forgotten. I know, I know, sex is off-limits. It'll only hurt me more because I've learned that the "friends with benefits" concept does not work with my heart..............but I can't help it if I'm horny.
Be strong, Kim. Be strong.
And welcome to the new chapter in my life, everyone!