bummed about work

Many thoughts of stepping down in my career. Just don't want to manage anymore. Two responsibilities have been yanked due to the new "store structural system" - SSS - aka super shitty situation. I suppose if I have less responsibility yet still get paid the same, that's a good thing, but that's not what I signed up for 5 years ago.

In the event this did the happen (though I'm too chicken shit to follow through with it), I would have to find a solid, stable, SANE roommate to pay rent so I can pay my mortgage. I could create my own schedule, work less hours, and just be happy. I have so many big fish to fry, and this one has been cooking for awhile...

Plus I feel like my boss is disappointed with me because I heard he wanted to give me produce...again...for the 5th time. If I'm unhappy with something I don't sugarcoat it, and I did tell him that if he wanted me to do it I would, but that I've also written the order in 5 different stores now and it's just not challenging for me anymore. I don't think it would help me develop as a leader, giving me something that I'm bored with. Why not give me fresh? I'm passionate about that order and I know 90% of the products because I buy my lunch there EVERYDAY! Pretty sure I blew that opportunity when I disregarded the produce order. Whatever, I'll do it.

Maybe I should just numb myself - smile through the pain and the suffering. Certainly there are worse things in life. I guess maybe I haven't shown or proven that I'm worthy. We'll see how my midreview chat goes. Reviews usually jarr me into reality, at least for a short period of time.

My body hurts. Everyday I have back pain, and know my knee has been acting up big time (not work related, I chalk it up to wear and tear from running).

I think I'll start preparing myself. Gonna go post a wanted ad on Craigslist for a roommate...we'll see how many crazies I attract.

Cheers.

inspiration...athleticism...

Although my actions this morning are the antithesis to my theme today---I was going to get up before 9am so I could go to the gym and take a bootcamp class. However, I know myself well, and I had to work til midnight last night and went to bed before 2am, and when I wake up I'm just tired and totally snooze it up for almost an hour. That happened today. But that's okay, I've got my coffee, catching up on my DVR, being relaxed until I have to do the whole work thing all over again tonight. I'm okay with this - at this very moment in my life right now I am at peace with myself. That doesn't mean that won't change in a few hours, haha, but at least for this moment, I can be happy.

I've decided to make a few small physical and mental health changes in my life. They were brought to my attention harshly after I invited my former friend (I say former regretfully) Wendy to be my date at the fulltime party. Apparently I had one too many glasses of champagne and acted a little silly, but she led me to believe that I have a problem with alcohol. I won't get into details as they are still fresh in my memory, but the result is that it put a huge dent in our friendship and now things seem to be on hold for awhile - she needs time for herself for her to heal from her spinal/shoulder work injuries and can't have any negative outside influences. I miss her very much, however, she told me in her last message that I need to find inside of me what makes me so unhappy. Not having her as my best friend does that, amongst a very little social life, body images, and general romantic relationship unhappiness.

So I'm trying to take her advice and keep the big one in mind - "Make happy memories." I want to tattoo that on my wrist. It's hard though somedays, but I also have to remember that Rome wasn't built in a day - gaining forgiveness and making these changes take time. Things happen for a reason and I have to remain patient.

So to break outside of my limited work world, I'm getting involved in Vavi sports. Social leagues. I planned on playing Kickball with Brent when we were together but we broke up a week before the league was to start, so I backed out last minute (and got my refund, thankfully). That didn't stop me though, I still wanted to play, so I found another Kickball league to join. Our team was terrible throughout the season, but I had so. much. fun that I got addicted. I'd play 3-4 nights a week if it were up to me! But instead, I signed up for another league the next season.

At my store's party, we had a picnic, and a volleyball game was set up - I played that game for nearly 4 hours. Again, I had so. much. fun playing it that I wanted to join a Vavi volleyball league. The downside to this is that Vavi does charge a fee to play in their leagues, so I went to the next option - find a meetup.com group that plays social volleyball for free. I found one that plays just about every Saturday morning. I finally went to one a couple weeks ago and had tons of fun again. I plan on going to that almost every week as well.

Once I find out if my days off change or not (won't be for another 6-8 weeks I imagine), I play one night kickball, and probably join a Vavi softball league. I'm not great at the game whatsoever (at least I assume, I haven't played since the 5th grade), and I could disclaim to my group that I'm not great and that I'm just here to have fun (and here for the beer, haha). I'm trying to rally people up from work and other stores I've worked at to join the leagues with me, but it's a work in progress. Just gotta keep hyping them up.

And then there's the drinking issue - I drink. A lot. Sometimes heavily. It doesn't scare me too much yet, because I'm not putting myself in predicaments where I lose control and rely on a total stranger to get me home, or become promiscuous in the company of strangers. I'm done with that part of my life. No, I drink at home. Go through a bottle of wine, easily, or a few vodka soda cocktails. I do it because it let's me unwind, it makes me feel good, I'm bored, etc. I really want to cut out a lot of this. I told Sara at work that during the workweek I'm not going to drink - that way I don't go into work hungover, and maybe I can drop a little weight because I'm not drinking nearly as much. I told her the only day I would drink would be during Kickball games on Thursday nights. That didn't go as planned last week - on top of Thursday I had plenty a cocktail on Friday and Saturday night as well. But at least instead of drinking 6-7 nights a week, it was only 4. So that is an improvement. And I had 2 glasses wine last night because I didn't want the red to go bad. So tonight, Tuesday, and Wednesday, no drink. I'm okay with this. I know I have the strength to do it. My argument is that I don't want to come off or sound like I have a problem. Because I don't. (Even though some people say denial is the first sign - probably, but I KNOW I don't. So shut up.)

Also kind of cleansed last week, and it helped me a bit. Going to cleanse again this week - tomorrow, Wednesday, and Thursday. Cranberry juice and watered down grapefruit juice. Eat only salads and edamame at night. If not at least Wednesday and Thursday.

So this week I feel positive - even though I didn't go to the gym this morning, I went yesterday (1), going to play volleyball with my Kickball teammate Kris in Mira Mesa (2), Kickball Thursday (3), and beach Volleyball Saturday (4). Somewhere in there I have to put a run in, hopefully Friday (5). Because I have that half marathon looming over my head that's happening in 2 weeks.

Sadly, that will be my last road race for awhile. I just don't have the passion for running anymore. I like to mix up my physical activities, hence with all the excitement I have for kickball, volleyball, and softball. Plus I have that awesome gym membership (with a great circuit training program) and will take advantage of the free personal training session I get once the race is over. Just gotta get through the race, then I can put full focus to these other athletic activities in my life. I totally don't expect myself to beat my 2 hr. 12 min. record like I got last year - my goal is to finish, hopefully in under 2 hour 20 min. but we'll see. Can't beat myself up over it because I didn't train, and like I said, just not into it anymore. Running and I are taking a break to explore other dating areas, so to speak, haha.

But yeah, never considered myself and athlete til now. Even though I'm breaking from running, I'm still a runner, and I still do it. I play kickball. I play volleyball. I'm going to play softball. And I go to the gym. My stomach and thighs aren't the greatest, but all atheletes come in different sizes. The point is I'm getting out there and playing and having a great time. It makes me happy. Making happy memories...

I really want that as a tattoo...

damn ex's in my dreams

So about 430am (yes, MORNING) I got a friend request on Facebook from John Saulka.

I deleted him from my Facebook a few months ago because he wouldn't stop commenting on every single thing I posted. It's okay to chime in once in awhile, but to barrage my every update, photo, what have you, is too close for comfort for me and immediately gets awarded the Stage 5 Clinger/Creeper award.

So when I got home from work, I responded to his request with a "Not now." Then Facebook gives me the option to say that I don't know this guy and that I can block him from sending me any more requests. So yes, I did this. He needs to let go of me. I'm tired of having to deal with the emotional aftermath and let it filter into my current and future relationships.

Sooo....had a dream about him. Ugh. It's a bit blurry, but from what I recall I had decided to accept his friend request. We were in some kind of house in the desert of Arizona or New Mexico. And because I decided to let him back in, he'd get a little too close to me and challenge my friendship - yes, I want to be friends, no, I don't want romance from you - why can't it just remain platonic? We were traveling with extraneous friends/family, and he was getting psycho - he'd hold onto my arm with a death grip, and it was really scaring me. I had to yell at him to let me go and that we weren't together! I became hysterical and felt like I was fighting for my life, things were becoming violent. Finally someone pulled him off me and drug him away, and I begun to panic soon as he left - my friends were telling me to get in the car and that we had to leave as soon as possible so he wouldn't be able to follow us/track us down.

Sometimes people go too far beyond your comfort zone - you give them an inch and they take a mile. This is a classic case. Thought he could be mature enough to just have a friendship with me, but he's a special case and took those signals as, "Oh! She wants me back!" No, not at all. Then I thought if I just kept him at arms length (via Facebook) it might be okay. He even controls my Facebook. He needs to learn his lesson, which he probably never will, but at least he won't have control or any say in my life anymore. No more friendship, I don't want that poison in my life. Good riddance.

i am in control

I am in control. I am in control. I am in control. I am in control. I am in control.

That has been my mantra to keep me from crying over this. And to my surprise, it's working. Thank you dear friend, for your lovely advice. I'm finally learning to listen to it.

I am the one with the power. I am the one in control. I wear the shoes on these feet. I am strong. Because in the end, I will end with heartache. But at least it won't be nearly as hard as the last few times.

I am in control. I am in control. I AM IN CONTROL.

this made me smile

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink, I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver'."

~Jack Handy

...So happy 2 of the 3 winter holidays are done with (excluding Valentine's Day in this category). Just have to push through NYE. Accepting it more and more as it gets closer to the day that I a) Don't have a date. 2) Don't have plans (could have paid $60 or more for a party that Sara is going to but I would have been the 5th wheel regardless). c) There's a good chance it'll rain that night, freezing me in my minidress and frizzifying my hair. and 4) Not going out and risking getting a DUI because I had 2 drinks (although that's highly unlikely) and got pulled over and failed my field sobriety and breatalyzer tests.

New year, new attitude - try to battle this temporary depression. Check out Barry's Bootcamp and see if it's worth paying $100 for 5 classes. Possibly discover pole dancing fitness (same price as Barry's rates). Check out women friendly meetup.com groups because let's face it - I'm not hanging out with people from work anytime soon, I have few girlfriends locally (less than I can count on one hand), so this will hopefully encourage me to go out and make a new set of girlfriends. If I meet men, cool, but the whole point is to begin new relationships with women so I can have those special bonds that only exist between women on a friendship level.

imminent love fate

I don't know why I even bother looking anymore. I'm 2 1/2 years out of a serious relationship with many short interests in between my last and today. And I've finally come to realize, after all the searching, and first dating, and trying hard, and compromising myself to make that great first impression....all the searching through online dating (Yahoo Personals, OKCupid, Match.com, Adult Friend Finder, PlentyofFish, and even Craigslist), I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I'm exhausted. I've been doing this for over two years and not ONE has been a success long term. There really is NO guy in San Diego that's a match for me. A little part of me wishes I'd realized this before I bought a house.

why men don't want to date me

Might have taken me too long to realize this, but it's just the few extra pieces of the puzzle I'm able to attach to complete my "utopian" life.

So I have a crush on Kane.  A small one, albeit, but enough that I would like to try and forge a relationship with him and see where it takes us.  There are many factors stopping me from proposing the idea, and these factors pretty much guarantee me that he wouldn't be interested in having a relationship with me.

Now, I'm not positive on this, I'm just assuming things, but I assume that his friend Trent told him that we hooked up.  And if so, wouldn't that lead Kane to plant the "Okay, we'll never be more than friends now that she's hooked up with mine" mentality?

I never really crushed on Trent but we did have a good time the couple times we all hung out and I was attracted to Trent on my factors - physically attractive, witty, own place in Encinitas right on the beach (okay, a block from it), good car, physically fit, well-established career and led a successful and accomplished life.  It didn't even bother me that he is 14 years older than me.  Acts just like someone my age, or maybe I act older than my age so we balance each other out.  

Regardless, I got signals from Trent that maybe he was into me (see Trent's "Ladder Theory" - all men want to hook up with their female friends).  So after a risque game of Truth or Dare between the three of us, Trent and I retired to his bedroom where we made-out and I gave him a blowjob.  The next morning wasn't awkward but I let my feelings run away a bit and texted him the next day saying I was into him and was it a bad thing?  Two days later, he texted back saying he wasn't good with relationships and that he'd prefer if we remained friends minus the making out part.  Okay, strike one, hurt my ego a bit but whatever - onward and upward!

Not sure though how this pushes my feelings to liking Kane.  I've always liked Kane as a friend - he's a super fun guy and we joke around and had fun playing leisure games and drinking.  And it's not to say that liking Kane because he's the runner-up between the two.  It's not to say because I was shot down by Trent that I'm going to move in on Kane territory.  At first the idea was planted in my head that he was gay.  Why did I believe David on that?  Maybe because I was trying to fall in love with him and felt the need to be on the same side as him.  Weeks later Brad asked me why I wouldn't want to be involved with Kane.  I repeatedly told him that I only saw Kane as a friend and kept it at that.  .....

Other factors - I don't act like a girl, certainly not one that provokes men to be attracted to me on a physical and emotional level.  I burp out loud, drink like a fish, make "Your mom" and "That's what she said" crude jokes, and agree with a lot of male theories (aka Ladder Theory, etc.) hoping to be their "go to girl," the cool chick that everyone wants to hang out with.  I certainly don't have a stick up my ass, but I could definitely work on acting more ladylike and less like a teenage boy.

When we did go out on his birthday, we both drank A LOT.  He didn't remember much the next morning, but I remember most everything, especially when we were dancing at the Shore Club and I was definitely getting touchy feely - there's proof on Trent's iPhone (stupid technology).  I definitely remember kissing him over and over again, can't be too sure if he was into it like I was or if he was just trying to get me off of him.  Yeah, awkward.  Regardless, no man wants a sloppy drunk to call his "girlfriend."  I guess I felt my options were running out.  So I got desperate.

I'm just gonna let things cool down for a week or so - focus on my run coming up, staying sober like I promised myself (at least for the week, because I have a long run coming up).  Maybe I'll just wait long enough til Kane contacts me, if he ever does again, which I think and hope he will.  And if he asks about my silence, I may just come clean.  Who knows, maybe by that point I won't have these feelings of "love" and uncertainty by that time, and I'll feel silly for all my thoughts.  Oh well, I'll take the distraction while I can....